I Wanted To Be Like Her

I had a troubled childhood for a long time, left alot of scars with some of my own making. Ended up getting me in alot of trouble too, which didn't help. At one point, because I tried to OD they sent me to a psych unit. I don't see how that was suppose to help, just felt like a punishment since the problem wasn't with me but with at home

I was 13, scared, and just feeling worst than ever. Thankfully, my roommate was just the best. Older than me, like in high school, but she was so much like what I wanted to be. Confident in herself, not afraid to speak out, and so full of fire. She was there because she had to too, because of an overdose but it wasn't on purpose, just to get high. Those nights when it was just the two of us, I felt safe

Well, one time it wasn't just the two of us. She talked about it before, and I seen it time and again, but she would flirt with some of the male staff since we werent allowed near the unit where the boys were kept. Well, one night she told me she was gonna make her move, and sure enough, she managed to pull a tech she liked before he left and into our room.

I just watched as she started to flirt with him before she made her move and dropped her gown. I just watched from my bed as my friend made out with this older guy, and take things further when she got his pants off. It was weird, but even as she was sucking him off and offering me to come join, I just couldn't help but shake my head no while I played with myself under the sheets.

I just watched them having sex, not like anything I've experienced, but real sex. And I just couldn't help myself, I wanted that same feeling. I wasn't a virgin at all, but it was still a first for me in some sense. When they finished, and she offered me my chance, I took it, and she was there to make sure I got what I wanted. At the end of it, it was just the two of us again, and an experience where I got to feel in control for once

Things between us after that were, complicated. Good, better even? But complicated. Never did anything like that again with that tech, though none of that stopped my friend from still being a flirt even he was afraid of getting caught

I ended up being discharged some days later, but I just remember for years after I still looked up to her and kinda a crush too. I tried to be more like her, less of a pushover and alot of her advice or motivation really did help me for what it was worth