Molested And Precocious

So what follows is my best reconstruction of what happened. If I misremembered something, it's still about what I felt and that matters most. I also changed 1-2 things to be slightly less identifiable.

My mother was never married, and had a series of boyfriends who didn't stay around very long. She also took pot & other stuff regularly. Her parents died early, and she had a hard life. I can't completely blame her for what happened, but she had a hard life. My brother was a year younger, and we spent a lot of time together.

My mother was not very careful about hiding her sexual activity from us. Sometimes she would invite a man over in the evening and make out in the living room, even getting naked throughout the house. She was sometimes naked when she was home alone with just us too, so it seemed more normal, and of course we were sometimes naked in the house when we were young.

I blamed myself a long time for what happened when I was 4. Several times I saw my mother giving a blowjob, and just thought that was what all girls did with guys, no matter what their age. I saw the whole thing several times, the sucking and the ejaculation, and more than once saw my mother with a smeared face, acting like it was completely normal. I also saw how much her boyfriends liked it and treated her nice after she did that.

Now what I have once said happened next is that I gave one of her boyfriends a blowjob, but I think really he saw my curiosity and groomed me, finding times to be alone with me in the bathroom or in the morning while my mom was still sleeping, and encouraging me to do this. He never used violence, in fact I'd say he was physically nice to me, but still very manipulative. He came in my mouth and on my face several times, and each time he quickly washed off all the evidence. He seemed very appreciative and I wanted him to like me, just as he liked my mother doing it to him.

I don't know if my mom figured this out before or after she stopped dating him, but eventually he disappeared and I still felt I should do this, so I tried it on my brother, but nothing interesting happened. Once my mother caught me doing this and hit us both hard, which made me feel I needed to do this only in secret, but I still wanted to be like her and didn't completely stop it.

I tried it with a few of her other boyfriends, and most just ignored me or told me to stop. But one, a thin guy with glasses, looked very surprised and kept looking around to make sure we weren't seen, and probably listening to make sure my mom was still downstairs, I think on the phone with someone for a long time. He didn't encourage me at all, but just froze as he let me do it, staring hard at me, but never pushed me away. After a few minutes he masturbated and touched me, then ejaculated. He looked almost shocked and ran to the bathroom to clean us both up, and soon left. I don't think I ever saw him again.

This set me on a bad pattern of trying to have oral sex with boys. I eventually felt weird about doing it to my brother so I played with other boys at school, and got a bad reputation for doing this. I learned that younger guys didn't ejaculate, which was fine with me, they still liked it but not as much and didn't seem to remember it very long or ask for it much. It was sometimes just something to do when I was bored or felt lonely.

Once I did it for a stranger who then r**ed me. I felt horrible after that, and felt that vaginal sex was terrible, and couldn't understand why anyone would do that. That really fucked me up for years.

Of course, when I became a teenager I was suck city, and the guys really liked it, but also used me a lot, and this became a lot less fun. I also began to realize how I had been manipulated as a child. I got depressed and felt I was ruined and wasn't good for anything else. I got lucky though and never tried anything harder than pot--but boy, I had a lot of that, and I drank enough cum to float a ship on. I occasionally invited an authority figure to this and usually got severe reprimands, some of which got back to my mom. And I had generally anti-authority and anti-social behavior, which together with the sex and pot led to counseling and once a night in jail. But it was hard to take mom's anger seriously with all her similar problems. And I ran away several times with an older man who would use me in his house or a motel room for a while until he got bored. Slowly I started having regular sex with boyfriends, but it took a long time for this to feel normal. Still today I feel safer sucking a guy than doing anything with my vagina, in fact I can't easily get naked with a guy. But I don't feel compelled to do this anymore. I have sprung back, and now call myself the springbok girl, because I can bounce like a gazelle and I am finally free to choose my own course in life.