Bi-Sexual Female / 34
At My Lowest
When I was at my lowest before rehab and getting sober I use to let my boyfriend pimp me for dr*g money and dr*gs.
I had blocked mostly until it come up in my support group and it all flooded back. I tried to justify it that we were just having wild sex or threesomes and horny freaks in the kink lifestyle but I have finally come to terms with that is not what was happening.
I mean i was not a prostitute or on websites (that i know of) ... it was not like i was sent to hotel to bang strangers. But when things got tight he'd invite "friends" over for what he'd tell me was our "kinky games" and he had convinced me that i was just being a good little "slut" for her man since i am submissive sexually. Funny thing was he only let me play like the when we were all out of dr*gs or jonesing. Otherwise he was super jealous and controlling and would not let guys around me. And either right before or after the "kink games" money or dr*gs we'd been hurting bad for suddenly showed up.
Some of the guys i knew, they were common friends, many of the guys I'd never saw before or after. Sometimes it was threesomes or Moresomes, sometimes my BF just watched and occasionally he just left me alone with them (much ore rare). I enjoyed the sex, i won't lie. I thought it was consensual and i was suppose too, i thought it was a kinky play, so i let myself go all in and get into it. The truth is most times i was either too high or too crashing to judge or understand what it really was.
I am not ashamed i was with multiple guys or passed around (even sober i lean submissive) but I am ashamed I was basically sold, and its worse that it was for dr*gs. I feel like it makes me question the whole time we were together. Did he just keep me around for a fall back pussy to loan out when he couldn't make fix?
Dr*gs and the kinds we did make you do shitty things. Maybe i should just let it go. I am 9 years sober and in a good place. But when I realized what I had been really used for all those years with him, it hurt fresh. What pisses me off is my open minded sexuality for with I am still very proud of was used against me.
I don't know why it hurts realizing this. I have been over this guy for years.
I am struggling to not feel gross about myself now.
I had blocked mostly until it come up in my support group and it all flooded back. I tried to justify it that we were just having wild sex or threesomes and horny freaks in the kink lifestyle but I have finally come to terms with that is not what was happening.
I mean i was not a prostitute or on websites (that i know of) ... it was not like i was sent to hotel to bang strangers. But when things got tight he'd invite "friends" over for what he'd tell me was our "kinky games" and he had convinced me that i was just being a good little "slut" for her man since i am submissive sexually. Funny thing was he only let me play like the when we were all out of dr*gs or jonesing. Otherwise he was super jealous and controlling and would not let guys around me. And either right before or after the "kink games" money or dr*gs we'd been hurting bad for suddenly showed up.
Some of the guys i knew, they were common friends, many of the guys I'd never saw before or after. Sometimes it was threesomes or Moresomes, sometimes my BF just watched and occasionally he just left me alone with them (much ore rare). I enjoyed the sex, i won't lie. I thought it was consensual and i was suppose too, i thought it was a kinky play, so i let myself go all in and get into it. The truth is most times i was either too high or too crashing to judge or understand what it really was.
I am not ashamed i was with multiple guys or passed around (even sober i lean submissive) but I am ashamed I was basically sold, and its worse that it was for dr*gs. I feel like it makes me question the whole time we were together. Did he just keep me around for a fall back pussy to loan out when he couldn't make fix?
Dr*gs and the kinds we did make you do shitty things. Maybe i should just let it go. I am 9 years sober and in a good place. But when I realized what I had been really used for all those years with him, it hurt fresh. What pisses me off is my open minded sexuality for with I am still very proud of was used against me.
I don't know why it hurts realizing this. I have been over this guy for years.
I am struggling to not feel gross about myself now.
- That's Juicy! 20
- Remove It! 2
