Picking Up Pretty Ghosts With Sex Magik

I am afraid of sex. I try a lot to avoid it. But I have wanted it. I am just not good at men. I have come close a few times but it often ends up me being emotionally hurt and having to leave the situation. I have no dirty stories to tell of. Other then child innocent exploring with porn mags and p**os and some sexy dancing and my brother and I trying a few sexual things and this was all under the age of 10. My cousin started on me young when I was 3 and he would get me alone or with me and my sister and do sexual dancing in his room. But being that age its just harmless fun and just doing what feels good at the time.

Sexually at some point I just became a zero gamer around the age of 12 when I got my period and I was so afraid after several m****ting's that I would avoid looking at men unless they were not noticing me or when I would sneak a look without them knowing. It was like even sexual desire was a dirty thing at this point , sexual longing and I often referred to myself in poems as a wanton woman full of flame but afraid of the fire and sparks of love in my youth.

I am now in my 30s and not much has changed. I was r**ed in my mid 20s and feel nothing but desire sex all the time. I want a marriage and children mostly. But I desire sex madly but can't seem to get it and feel so hurt and frustrated and dirty.

I was always the odd girl out. The odd one left out. Unspoken for, unwelcomed but not sure why because I am shy, quiet and very forgiving and loving but no one notices that. Someone even told me I look so beautiful after being r**ed and they said they would find a guy who could make me look beautiful again so I said yes please do. I will be r**ed to look beautiful again.

I know I have waited long enough. Its got to be now.