Pushed Into A Marriage With A Man For Economic Support, (read On)

I got here looking for a place to vent my frustrations. I'm a lesbian, short and sweet. First crush in the fifth grade sort of lesbian, first full sexual experience at 17 with my soccer mate goalie. For me being able to go to college away was important, get away from all the oversight, domineering mother and too many sisters. In college I met Ruth, a Jewish girl from NYC and we went overboard, off the charts, out and out, lesbian. She also comes from a repressive family (hers Jewish, mine Catholic).

Then my mother calls, my father died of a heart attack, no insurance except a small policy for the funeral, house is mortgaged, cars are on loans, you get the picture. I got hauled off campus and returned home for the funeral and never went back. I cried not because my father died but because I was torn away from Ruth. Things had to be done, the first was marry off the daughters as fast as possible, me included. Not my choice, nor were the husbands of my sisters their choices but at least they were prepared to be wives and mothers. The man I was married to was ten years older, domineering (all men are domineering, if you ask me), sex crazed and intent on only one thing. Get me pregnant.

Year one I had a boy, good for the marital relations, boys are for the father. I wanted a girl, so year number two I have a girl. I'm ecstatic. I'm willing to forget about the wife duties I am subjected to, I'll even do it willingly if I can have another girl. But fate denied me the girl and I had another boy. Please understand, I love my sons, they are great boys. But I wanted a girl. So on the advice of my mother, my sisters, my grandmother, get pregnant again and try again. I have a girl, two boys and two girls and the factory doors are shut for good. Daddy is happy, Mommy is happy, big table, lost of noise in the house, I don't care about the diapers or the breast feeding or any of that. I am just happy, happy, happy. I have a big family and I'm happy. (Well, even the husband thing is more or less acceptable).

Ruth calls. She is in New York, she has her degree, she is unhappy. She opens up this wound, I immediately go into overdrive. My heart is torn open, her heart never healed either. I beg for permission and I go to New York, leaving my house and kids for my Mom to look after while I'm gone. Ruth and I go overboard, off the charts, out and out, lesbian sex. We don't get dressed for two days, stay in my hotel room, only have room service. I hadn't had that much sex since I had to leave college. I don't want to paint the picture that the only thing between Ruth and me is sex, but it is a big part of it. Youthful sex, even if I have four kids.

We agree not to be separated. When I return I ask my husband if he can make a place for her in his firm, I say anything but I really mean make her the VP of all important things. I also confess a little that we are friends with benefits and he knows I have always loved her and he should grant me that. I have given him four children, a record for a lesbian, most lesbians would have turned and ran. Basically, now make me happy.

Ruth is here, she is in the guest bedroom, and she is working with my husband in records management (law firms have lots of that, I'm told, I'm not a lawyer). The rush has settled down, I got the quid pro quo speech and I won't interfere if some secretary turns him on. But, he is with a woman, not an innocent secretary, some lawyer woman in another firm. She's 32 so not much older than me, childless because she's a bitch, but hot in a professional sort of way. She will never be a home girl and settled down with children, they are too much trouble. She won't take my children for anything, not even ice cream.

So why am I jealous? I am terribly jealous, seeing her with him just gets to me, I have to really control myself and not call her down. He is well what's good for you is good for me too. But I don't agree. Ruth and I have been in love since we first stepped foot on campus. Our lives together were torn from us. He can't say I willingly went to my wedding bed. I didn't say no but I never said yes. I was unreceptive, let me put it that way. Short story long, I want this woman out of our lives, as far away from him as can get, he has a wife and children and a home and he is appreciated and dare I say it loved by the woman he married. He is even appreciated by Ruth. I want my cake and to eat it too, I want, love and need Ruth by my side, but I don't want him touching another woman. I'm selfish and a bitch about this.

He says I'm wrong to frame it like that.