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We Are Not As Free As We Sometimes Think We Are

I'm a self diagnosed lesbian oriented artist. I'm from a country where gay is bad and it]s better not to tempt the authorities. I was doing fine, I had my studio. I met this woman, an American who was traveling with another woman in our country. I learned they were lesbians and that intrigued me, the first I knowingly met. They were very open and enthused me to experiment.

I applied for and was accepted for a study program in France. There I met a woman and jumped in to experiment. It was so so, but I had no emotional investment and I felt like it was a waste of time. I focused on my study program and learned a lot about other mediums. Then like a lightning bolt I met this girl. Younger, a 19 year old, from Berlin, a vocal feminist and lesbian. But I was stricken.

This time I was emotionally invested, head over heals, but totally put off by her attitudes and her group of friends. I went home upset, emotional, torn up. I went home. There I met an older man, just returned after his residency, and looking for a wife. I was a little older but single and I swore the truth to him. I had never engaged in sex, with a man. We became engaged and married. Two children, a new house, a new nanny, an au pair, from Switzerland where my husband studied Medicine.

Blood boiling, hands sweating, heart racing, nap time for the babies, between the sheets, wild, open, all engulfing sex happened. She was a lesbian and open to a relationship with me. We were careless, and it was a fact certain that my husband found out, he accused me of cheating, guilty, of behavior that was embarrassing to him and his reputation and family, guilty, of disregard for my children, guilty. I feared the worst, divorce, losing my children, banishment from my country.

I was crying in my dressing room and he knocked and came in. A woman's dressing room is off limits to a man, even a husband man. But he came in, told me he had decided to send the au pair home, he was going to leave it at that. One chance, one more and I was out.

My country does not support gay behavior, granted that mostly they focus on male gays. But a scandal was what had to be avoided. Divorce would cost me my children. He loves me, I know that now, more than ever. I won't do this again, I won't endanger my home or my children, I apologized and genuinely asked for forgiveness. I will respect him and his home and honor, it's my name too.

Sorry this is long, for women like me we are tied to our fathers, our husbands, our sons.


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