Can't Get What I'm Used To

I am recently divorced after 14 years of marriage. My husband is with another, younger woman. I have put on some pounds, not fat, but a slight chubby. I have dark brown hair, D cups that sag more than they used to. I had sex one time before I met my ex. That first time was when I was 16 and I met my ex when I was 21. He was a mans man, very in charge and I liked it. Sex turned kinky and I liked it. Paddling my ass till it was bright red and I liked it. Mauling my boobs which I had to call tits and sometimes fun bags, and I like it. I had to beg him to "Fuck" me, not make love but to fuck. I liked it. He would pinch my nipples till I thought they were going to come off and I like it. Slapping my tits sometimes bruising them because we had sex very often, probaby 7 to 12 times a week. He would write on me, sometimes fucking me in front of people, skimpy bikinis, no panties if I wasn't having my period, and public exposure, super rough, ramming anal sex. He would even use acupuncture needles in my tits and my pussy lips, which I had to call my c**t. I liked it.

The probably is that I'm not used to having sex with anyone else, first it was hard to take the plunge with someone but I did. I'd only had that first guy, only that one time, and then my ex. I finally did it, and a very nice, incredibly well built handsome man a little younger than me made love to me, he was sweet, loving, kissing me, licking me and he had a really big one. It was uncomfortable but after a few times I could take it easily. He suckles on my tits very soft and lovingly. I don't like it.

I want rough like I used to get, I want to be someones sex slave, or as my ex called it his cocksleeve, his cum bucket, or cum dump. That's me. While I've been letting this great guy have sex, I also tried on (so to speak) 5 other guys over the past 5 weeks. 3 of them I've done it multiple times with, however; none gives me what I like. I fake having orgasms just so they'll finish.

I actually had my ex over three times in the last week, the really nice guy hasn't asked but I know he's paused when he saw my bruised tits. My ex did something new today, I can't see anyone else till this is finished. He injected my tits with saline till they were really big and then in our roleplay had me dress up and go on the street and he picked me up and gave me $20 for a night of sex. It's today and they are still bigger, going down but I'm not sure what to do. I got looks at the office today even though I dressed in layers trying to hide the big ones I had this morning.

I just can't ask these really nice men to do things I like to me. I'm lost. I hate asking my ex for sex, he makes me beg him in the more disgusting ways, begging him to give me cock, and saying no other man can give me what I need. He makes me look at naked pictures of his new girl and I tell him I'd lick her clean after he's had her.

I'm really lost, how can I ask nice guys to do these awful things to me?