I'm 20 And Still A Virgin. These Are My Problems:

I had to get this out of my chest somehow. (Also, English is not my first language so I'll probably make some mistakes here)

I'm 20 and still a virgin. I listen to audio porn (GWA) sometimes but as a female I never "inserted" anything inside of me, not even fingers, because I want to keep my hymen as untouched as possible. I know what they say, that virginity is a big deal before you lose it but it's meaningless after you do it for the first time, but yeah, that's a big deal to me right now.

The past few months I realized that it kind of became a fantasy to be penetrated the first time by a man (is that weird?) but in the other hand, I don't want to lose my virginity before I get married 'cause I've waited this far and why not? Less risk of STDs or accidental pregnancy and also I'd rather just have it with one person because then I wouldn't compare bodies or performances.

The problem is, I have some problems with my hormones and for a check-up I'll have to get a pap smear (bye bye fantasy) and that is killing me because even though it's just a speculum I'll probably have the feeling of being full (that everybody talks about) for the first time without a man (yeah, weird)

Apart from this fantasy I also have some sort of BDSM kink and it's something I want to try a lot. You know those spicy scenes in romance books on TikTok? Yeah, they give me butterflies more often than I want. But I have the feeling that if ever I find somebody that likes the idea of sex after marriage, he'll probably not be into BDSM and the idea of trying BDSM and sex before marriage doesn't do it for me.

And also I'm short (5'3) and I have a size kink (yeah, finding a guy that is bigger than me) so because I'm short maybe that won't be a problem except for the fact that where I live most guys are my height or even shorter so another problem right there. And I am the shiest person I know so I've never even had a start of a relationship. I don't go out a lot and I also feel like I'm running out of time because of my hormones.

So, what I could do is probably just sell my virginity, get the money and start over somewhere else 'cause let's be honest, a guy who wants to buy your virginity won't want to marry you afterwards, 'cause why would he? But even then I feel like if I go for that option I won't want to start any other relationship because it will ruin my fantasy lol

Well, what the heck are the odds of finding someone who could fit these characteristics and still appear in my life out of nowhere? It was great confessing this. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.