Curious

This is gonna sound wierd, but some point when I was going through puberty I was just obsessed with anything potentially related with sex or kissing, unhealthily so. Like I had it somewhere in my mind that if I could, I would fantasize about my celeb crushes and get pregnant and magically have a baby not really thinking what any of that would mean. But then take that further and like, any guy remotely attractive who showed me any ounce of kindness must have clearly been falling in love with me and I just wanted to be swept off to be some wife. Fortunately, that never happened, though I cant say the fantasies didn't.

But yeah, my mind was going wild and I was just this ball of sexual energy that wanted to burst but was always too scared and shy to act on it. However I desperately wanted to know what sex felt like, and... I sort of settled on the closest replacement I had. Tldr, having an over obsessed mind and seeing your pet hump a leg and stick out, wasn't a good mix.

Kind of just, thought if I used some peanut butter, I could make myself feel good. And when it stopped seeming so bad, I wanted to see what a penis felt and looked like, having like, barely any clue what another human's is suppose to look like irl. And well, when I tried to, yeah know.. until like I was 14. I never got caught, got scratched up alot too, obviously never told anybody that I knew. Certainly lied and told one boy he was my first.

I do want to say this though, I'm not into any of that. No really. I think just back then, I just needed any excuse to dabble into sex and feed my obsession over penises. Obviously, the very moment I did anything with an actual boy, that's where all my focus went into instead until that phase kinda just died out.