The E-mail...

This is the initial email J§ sent that got all this started. Dated 08-24-22
Dear Mom;

I love you. I've always loved you, and I always will. You mean the world to me and I can't imagine life without you. This is hard for me to write, and as I do I struggle to think of anything other than what I'm thinking about you - and about me and you together - and what I feel for you, anxiety eats away at me as time crawls by so painfully slowly!

I love you as my mother, but that is only partly the reason my heart pounds brutally against my chest, as if to punish me for feeling the way I do. I love you as a woman, too, the way it seems that no man ever seemed to want to. Or maybe that should be; I wish I could love you like a woman wants to be loved. I dream about loving you, even though I know I shouldn't.

There was no other way to tell you. For years I've thought about you in this way, felt for you this way, and knew that I shouldn't. I hid it, I naturalized it, and hoped that it would go away. I never stopped loving you, just being me and letting us be the way we've always been. But it was a struggle. So I'm telling you now, because it's too much to bear alone.

I daydream about you and me in bed, making love. I think about us having sex a lot. It's a ridiculous thrill to imagine. I don't know where it all came from. I don't know if it's normal. Maybe you feel or think the same things sometimes. If you don't, then please never mention this. Act as though it never happened or I swear I'll die.

I'm just telling you because I feel I have to, and because I need to not go crazy over feelings that might be utterly foolish. But remember that I love you, mom. And please try not to m****r me once you've read this. I might die from that too!
Your Loving Son
J§