I lived in a very large apartment building and had been dating a coworker for a year, we'd slept together often but it was getting sort of routine so she suggested a dildo and I said I'd like to see her dressed up in latex. Friday night we're all set and I figure I'll light lots of candles for the room. all is going according to plan, I'm in the throws of a fantastic 69 when I notice the room gets bright really fast, we'd kicked a pillow into a candle and it was on fire...very vigorously on fire, I grab it and run to take it to the bathroom to douse in the shower but it's melting and dripping little flaming gobules on my hands and floor, being that I'm now in panic mode because this thing is hurting me big time I drop it and race to the kitchen to grab a pitcher and douse it, by now the fire alarm is in full shreik and my partner Amy is dealing with another pillow thats alight (she's screaming to put it out), so now I have a neighbour pounding on my door and she opens it to see my girlfriend decked out like a 2 bit hooker, me with a raging boner and a fire on the floor (She's a born again Christian who has asked us to come to church with her). We got it all put out ok, (the pillows were very cheap foam and went up extremely fast the whole incident wasn't even a minute long). So by this point I'm embarrassed but have covered up, Amy is changing and going home, everybody from my floor is hanging around my door to see what happened, the landlord is there to investigate and help get the smoke out (big fan) and it's just not a pleasant scene. So off Amy goes, I clean up the place and everybody leaves. Saturday morning I gotta put all the bedding and stuff through the laundry so I quickly roll it all up and take it down (we have about twenty washers there and it is packed with families on a Saturday morning, I stuff the stuff into various washers and am fielding all these question from people about the fire etc and Amy calls my cell and offers to come over and help clean up, I tell her to meet me in the laundromat, so I move all the washing to the dryers put in my Quarters and Amy shows and we go Up to my apt to clean, 45 min later were down to collect my laundry and the place is dead quiet and nobody is looking at me, oh well, open the first dryer and dig out a bed sheet all twisted, we eah grab an end shake it and there flies a 10" solid rubber dildo bang, bang bang off the other machines scattering people like it's a nuclear bomb. Amy turns tail and leaves, I drop the sheet run over and grab it and stuff it in my bag and finish with as much dignity as I can muster. Just as I'm getting ready to leave this girl from my floor comes over and smiles and says, "You wouldn't have believed what a racket that was making in the dryer, everybody kept going over and looking in the window cause it was going blooonk, kluuunk, bunp bump, they'd see what it was and smile and go right back to what they were doing, only 2 people left." Well I said "it's not mine, really it's not mine". and left. two weeks later I'm in the elevator and there's this guy I've never seen before and he goes "hey, you're Austin aren't you?" I said no, he goes with a really good Austin Powers imitation "really, it's not mine, it's not my bag baby", I died laughing. Embarrassing as all hell, but I've told it a million times. The landlord said to me when I paid rent the next month "keep the kinky sex to a minimum would ya".