Still Working Through Things With Mom

not sure why I am sharing this but my therapist says I should talk about it and I can't bring myself to tell her everything

I think it all started in the early 80s. My parents would argue all the time so my sister and I would go to our room and play watch tv whatever. I guess like all kids we were curious. Played doctor mostly show me yours ill show you mine with some touching but that was it. I was 9 she was 8 maybe at the time.

My mom was never shy about nudity. She always walked around the house in a towel or gown. Never wore underwear so I grew up seeing her body and I guess sexualizing it. Didn’t think anything of it till finding my dads first porn. Don’t remember how old I was may have been the same year. I remember watching it with my sister and saw some guy licking vagina. I clearly remember asking her if I can try licking her. She made an ewe face said it was gross and no.

We never talked about it after or played with each other again. My mom on the other hand I became fascinated with. I didn’t want to fuck her as I don’t even think I was getting hard yet but I wanted to smell her and taste her. Id make excuses to put my head on her lap, accidentally touch her inner thigh. Every time she fell asleep on the couch I’d position myself in view so I can look. Each time getting closer. She slept through anything but I was still scared. First time I got close enough that my nose was touching it. It didn’t smell good or bad. I thought I smelled pee but Ill never get that smell out of my head.

I don’t remember how many times I did it but it felt like a lot. I wanted to lick it so bad but didn’t want her waking up. I would rub her and lick my fingers almost every night. Not sure where the courage came from but it did and one night I just went for it. I rubbed her like i normally did making sure she was sleeping. One of her legs slipped off the couch and it was right at my face. I just licked her once. Didn’t know it then but the taste was pee with cum. It was sticky and warm and I wanted more but she kind of shifted and I freaked out and ran to my room. I was just starting to play with myself. All i thought about was I’m going to get in trouble she is going to tell my dad or hit me. Days went by weeks. Nothing. So I kept getting more and more brave.

This went on for years until I started dating and honestly really fucked me up. I left when I was 18 and didn’t look back till a few years ago when I moved back to the state and see my parents regularly. I must have blocked it all out because I didn’t remember much till hypnotherapy. Still trying to work out some things. I have a family now normal sex life and definitely don’t look at my mom sexually. The therapist said I need to talk to my mom about it. Working towards that but now as an adult I have a hard time believing she slept through all those nights. I don’t remember ever trying to fuck her. I would jerk off while licking her. My first cum was on her leg.

I dunno maybe Ill get the nerve to anonymously send her this. There is more not with her but where my younger sex life went because 10yo me wanted to see what my moms pussy tasted like