It's Taken Ten Years For Me To Surrender

I was 19, ten years ago. A freshman in college, living with three other girls off campus. We were new to each other so we were roommate friends, but not friends and lovers. In December, on a cold night, one of my roommates went to the gym. She didn't come home. After midnight I went looking for her. By the morning we had the police out. She was found in a stairwell by a guest of the garage, next to the gym, r**ed, strangled, her body on the stairs, naked from the waist down. I saw her there, an image that can't be washed away.

The trauma for me was real, I never went into a stairwell, never went out at night alone. I quit college and went home. I was paranoid and I became scared of all men, a blanket accusation. I dreamed of her, often. And somehow I made up the whole scene of her r**e and m****r, without anyone having an idea who did it. But in my mind it was real and I relived it for her. I could 'feel' the man penetrating me, I could feel him strangling me. I wore double panties, a menstruation pad, tight belted jeans. No man, not even my family, could touch me.

I managed an on line certification and got a job close to home. One that I made sure started after the sun was up and ended before the sun went down. Nonetheless I was scared going to the car when I got off work. Why I told one of my supervisors I don't know. He arranged for me to be escorted to and from my car. If no one was available, he escorted me (my normal escort was a woman security guard).

One evening, it was getting dark and he walked me to my car, he asked me to let him touch me. Standing beside my car in the parking lot (no garage) I stood and he put his hands on my face, my shoulders, lifted my breasts one at a time, he put first two fingers between my legs, then his whole hand and grabbed me tight. "You know I have to F you, or you will never get over this."

Being stripped naked by him, piece by piece, sock by sock, pants and panties, and he smiled at my 'pad' asking me just what protection that was going to give me. He caressed and kissed my face, my nipples, and my vulva, slowly opening my slit with his tongue until he had his tongue in my vagina. Now it was time for the real thing, I lay with my legs open staring into his eyes as his erection came into view. "When I'm done you will be a woman again" and with that he lay on me and penetrated me until he was all in and went back and forth, in and out until I got wet enough that it just slipped in and out. And then, he told me to hold onto his neck as he was going to release all his sperm in me.

After sex he told me to lift my head back and expose my neck to him. He took his belt and laid it across my neck and leaned over me and told me that from that day on I could be his woman and he expected active complete participation on my part. When he wanted sex, I was to give him sex. let every ounce of me drain towards him. No more pads, no more two pair of panties. When he reached under my skirt he wanted to touch me, my naked pussy.

It took months of laying back, of opening my legs, of letting him insert his penis in me. Months before I was even able to unzip his pants and pull his penis out. It took longer for me to lay my head back an let him kiss my neck, hold my neck with his hand. It took a year before I was able to tell him I was a woman and I was his woman and I wanted to be with him all the time. That I agreed to get married, unconditional surrender to him.

I married him unconditionally. Whatever he wanted, whatever he said was for me to do and go along. I gave him my body and my future and he took my body and my future. In time, I will get pregnant, the ultimate surrender. As it is I don't practice any form of birth control, only nature does.

I won't go into any stairwell, or any garage unless he takes me.