Coming To Terms With 'it'

In a moment of sadness I agreed to a job far from my family. It is the single worst decision of my life. Alone, sad, and fearful I made more bad decisions, financial and personal. Within two years I owed thousands. Within five I was personally bankrupt and unable to support myself. But, my family believed I was doing well. I lied to them. Until I was on the street, penniless and friendless. Out of desperation I took a job as a maid and nanny.

The family I worked for had 'rules'. Ask permission to speak. Look but don't see. Avoid eye contact. No 'guests'. No 'affairs'. No 'opinions'. Sad became outright depression. I hated my life, my situation, my self. And I was too embarrassed to ask my family for help. A man I knew from my job invited me out on a date. My boss, the wife, questioned me over and over, basically how could I ask for a night off. A 'date' put my job in question.

I ran, and ran and ran. I went to a friend from college. She let me stay, find a job, move out. I stayed until she said 'come sleep with me'. Might as well, why not. I must have been starved for a human connection. Bend me, twist me, kiss me, spank me. And anything else she wanted. It wasn't 'sex'. It was something else, sex was the vehicle. And I couldn't get enough.

I surprised myself, surprised her. Could I really have been a 'lesbian' and that's why I was so sad? We pretended so. But I felt better, came alive, and settled in with her. And talked about travelling, buying a house, getting 'married'. No, I couldn't do that. We lived in sin.

When the world was turning again, I went home. With her. And told my parents we were staying at the Comfort Inn. You see, I told my Mom, we sleep together and we didn't want to offend her. She said nothing. What about dinner? Where should we go?

My parents make believe. We make believe. It's easier that way. We are eloping. We will have a get together with friends. No sense shoving it on their face. It's bad enough that they know I'm a lesbian.