Turning A New Leaf

The problem with confessions is that you don't want to tell it all. I find myself thinking, can I really say this? What if someone follows up? Is it abuse just because I got pushed into it? What about the fact that there is a male female dynamic that can't be controlled, even if you are a lesbian. Believe me, I know a lot of lesbians that have been fucked by guys. So why is it that when I think of getting fucked, it also fucks up my head.

Let me got back to when it happened. I was down and out like a lot of lesbian chicks, no real job skills, a worthless degree that can't be marketed. I hated my life, I was working retail and I got fired for not being nice to customers. Fuck them. But I was unemployed. No severance. No money. I didn't own anything, everything was borrowed from friends, most of them as down and out as I was. 24 years old and I got scared. Scared stiff. Petrified scared. I called my mother.

She told me I could come home, for a few weeks. She reminded me that she didn't approve of my lifestyle. That I had chosen to ruin my life. Now my life was ruined and I was only 24. But she bought the ticket, one way and I flew home. I was prohibited from smoking, PERIOD. Prohibited from any lesbian activity. PERIOD. Prohibited of associating with the wrong crowd. PERIOD. I had to make my bed every day. I had to clean my bathroom every week. I had to help around the house, carry my load. I had to help do laundry. I had to help in the kitchen. I had brothers and a father and I needed to learn how to serve men. I got my younger brother's laundry, and I had to make his bed every day and clean his room and my brothers' bathroom.

The first week I did laundry I found my brother's underwear with these huge yellow stains, and dried up cum. I changed his bed and his sheets were stained and so was his mattress. Fourteen and he was jacking off at night and I had to change his sheets and wash his underwear. And keep my mouth shut.

My parents had a family get together for my grandmother. People came and went and I was one of the servers. Drinks, getting sandwiches. SERVE the men. Pay attention to the MEN. Get used to it. Go serve your brother, he shouldn't have to be serving himself when his sister is there. YOU SERVE YOUR BROTHER, YOU DON'T JUST TOSS THINGS AT HIM. And if you were a boy you would get served too, but you aren't. You are a girl, girls do the serving in our house. You might catch a man if you can get that through your thick lesbian skull.

The workman held me down by the neck over the dining room table. He shoved his hips against my ass. I looked up at my grandfather's picture on the wall. I was getting my ass r**ed in front of my grandfather. His hand was grabbing my pants trying to shove them down, but the belt was on too tight. Then, WHACK and he fell to one side. My 'little' brother hit him with a baseball bat. My little brother saved me from getting r**ed.

I serve my brother, I do his laundry, I help him with his homework. We are best friends now and I help him with his dating problem. He's focusing on girls out of his league, he needs to focus on a sixth grader not the ninth graders. I serve my father too, when it's my turn and my mother isn't at home. Same with my older brother. He will go to college next year so I'm teaching him how to cook for himself and the right way to do laundry. He's a player and he will get a girlfriend pretty quick, one that does laundry.

I got a job and I'm working and I met a man who is a whole lot older than me and I have been out on a few dates with him. I'm nice and I let him hold my hand and put his arm around my shoulder. It just takes getting used to. At least he isn't going to r**e me, but when he does go for the gold, I will open my legs for him. I might as well find out what man sex has and why so many girls go for it.

I've thought a lot about this and I do want to have children. I want to have my own children and not just my brothers. I would like a boy and a girl, if I can choose. I know I can be a good wife. I know everything about running a house, my mother made sure of that. I don't want to be a lesbian for the rest of my life, I don't want to be a lesbian PERIOD. I just want to get married and have a normal life. Even if I have to marry a man eight years older. I am sorry, and do regret throwing my education away. I'll be a good housewife though. Mormon girls really are good housekeepers.