It's Frustrating

As the title says, it's frustrating. I am 62 years old now, a life long lesbian, married for 43 years to the same husband. I got married because I didn't want to lose out on everything. I also had a lot of trouble reconciling my lesbian behavior and feelings with the world out there. I had only one truly lesbian relationship and it was 90% emotional and 10% physical. But that 10% physical took to doing things that we thought were immoral. We didn't want sex with a man, but having sex together was worse, in our minds of the time. We were not sexually liberated.

My marriage came about because I wanted to get away from home. He was the convenient path out. He was already a grown man to me, 27, an electrician by trade. He said, let's just get in the car and drive till we run out of gas. We got married in Reno. He went to work as maintenance man at a Casino and I went to work as a cocktail waitress. What started as an exciting escape from my other reality soon became a regret and a longing for my family. Can't live with them, can't live without them. But I was married, and not kissing a girl.

We moved back home. Tail between our legs. My father helped my husband get a job and I went back to school to be a teacher. I got an associates and went to work for the police department. How many men had touched my ass in Reno, pulled me down by the neck to check out my tits (don't wear a bra they want nipples), or run their hand right up between my legs. It was part of the job and the ticket to better tips. All the girls did it, and a lot were prostitutes and strippers. Another world, I didn't tell my family about that part of the job, just that I made a lot tips. When I told my girlfriend about it, she was excited. She wanted to hear all about it. Let me see your tits, she told me, and pulled my blouse down.

We ended up making out and heavy petting. I had had sex by then with my husband and I told her about him eating me out and so we tried it. The only thing was that there was no intercourse. I told her about it and she wanted to try it.

For the next forty years we have lived in this world, where I have a husband and I have a girlfriend. It wasn't long before my husband put two and two together. We kept it from our parents, never did 'come out' or anything. Our relationship is 90% emotional and 10% physical. Curiously we became more and more physical as we got older. Grabbing ass and tits became more open. There is something about having sex with my husband and the built up tension to grab her. My husband still performs, just not as often.

So yes, it is frustrating, loving two people. A man spouse and a woman spouse. I am sure that had it been now she and I would have married. She works in Social Services for the County, I was a dispatcher for the police department. My husband got his license as a Master Electrician and worked for the Prison. I see her and all I want to do is 'grab them tits and kiss her'. Sorry, it's true.