It's My Lot In Life

Sorry if this is a bit of a rant. I am 24 years old. I was nursing a broken heart after my girlfriend left me and I went to a party with my younger sister. I was a Junior in college at the time. While she had fun with her friends I stayed back and had too much to drink. Standing alone in the kitchen this guy started to hit on me. He pressed against me, grabbing my boob and trying to kiss me. I shoved back, told him to leave me alone, all that. Nothing did any good and he grabbed me by the wrist and hauled me up the stairs and pushed me into a bedroom. Whether I took my pants off or he took my pants off is a matter of discussion, but I fell back on the bed said something like 'get it over with' and he did. I got pregnant.

The repercussions didn't really set in until I got a positive confirmation from the doctor. I never tried a self pregnancy test or visited any of the pregnancy assist clinics. Denial is powerful, I didn't go to the doctor until I was twelve weeks pregnant and had to tell my sister. She went down the route of get married and all that fully knowing that I wasn't straight and that would be the worst outcome of all. But in spite of my feelings I agreed to get married when I was a month out in order for the baby not to be stigmatized later for being out of wedlock, being a bastard child. This came over me little by little and my family's feelings about it. To me it was a marriage of convenience that had to be put aside after the baby was born.

I was nursing the baby, ten weeks old, when he came over from playing rugby unannounced. I was in my PJs nursing the baby. He was sweaty and dirty and pushy. He came over to check on me. I covered myself, I didn't like him seeing my breast, much less while I was nursing. That pissed him off. I finished nursing and put the baby down and he grabbed me and hauled me off to my bedroom, with the usual you're my wife and you're not giving me any, he proceeded to take it anyway. I got pregnant for the second time. So there I was with two babies, one an infant and the other one barley a year old.

Now I have to live with him, I can't work and support myself and my parents are like you're married, so out of the house. I still have to finish college. No one, not even my sister, acknowledges that I have other feelings and it is very difficult to fall in love with him. I don't have a choice in it, I have to sleep with him and he has the time of his life with me. He still has this thing about breaking me of my old habits. Literally, he has had me in bed of course, on the living room floor, on the bathroom floor, against the countertop of the island in the kitchen. He wants 'woman' all the time. Breaking my legs apart by the knees so he can look down at me.

I won't go into about having to hold his hand in public, or having to let him kiss me in public. My family thinks he is so romantic, so generous with his affections, such a good provider that I don't have to work. I'm so lucky. I have two beautiful children, which they are, I'm the mother and they are well behaved and wonderful to be around. No one, not even my sister who was around at the time, believe me if I tell them that he forces himself on me. And they are so happy that I have left 'that college thing' behind me. I never ask for it, never. I know when he is coming for it by the way he looks at me. It doesn't matter if I give my back to him, lay on my stomach, he is going to get what he wants and nothing is good enough if he isn't finishing inside of me.

My husband wants more children. He says he can well afford a family of four children and a stay at home wife. We already have the house for it, and it's close to my parents and my sister for easy baby sitting, so why not? Just stop delaying things, get pregnant again. It's is easy for him to say it, he isn't the one walking around not being able to bend over to pick something up. It's not a made up thing, I've been through it two times already. I keep delaying it by telling him that we should wait until the current two are in school, but he doesn't want to wait.

So that's my rant, pregnant against my wishes, married against my wishes, living with a man against my wishes, looking forward to a lifetime of this, and more children. I know that it could be a lot worse, always is. And that women have had this put on them and survived. It's a testament to us really. I made up my mind to never leave him. I won't be the one to break up my family. If he leaves me, well then I will do something different, but he won't leave me. I'm his precious wife.

I'm an ex college lesbian really, but that's in he past.