I Apologize Mom

Many years ago as a young man in his teens and early twenties, I had a bad alcohol abuse problem. Unfortunately in my family, we are people who black out when drinking to excess, not able to remember a minute of what happened except for little flashes of memory every now and then. I’m now in my fifties and haven’t touched a drop since my mid twenties but at an age of sixteen, I was a large athletic kid who played and partied hard. One morning after a binge drinking night, I awoke finding myself nude and in my mother’s bed. I was shocked, so shocked that I blew out of that bed, grabbed a pillow covering myself as best I could to leave her room. Looking down the hallway, I could see my mother sitting in the kitchen looking very angry. I went into my room got dressed and came back out to face the wrath. I was very scared because I couldn’t remember anything. My two girlfriends in the past told me that while under the influence I would become very sexually aggressive where they felt scared and not in control. My fear was did I have any sexual contact with my mother. I sat down with her and apologized profusely. She said, that I came into her room fully nude and threw her out of her own bed demanding that she leave what I apparently thought to be, my room. All I thought was, thank God that’s all that happened.
Fast forward many years: My mother passed five years ago. My sister just revealed to me last month, that our mother confided in her but not our youngest sister, that that night, I came into her room nude with a full erection, pinned her down and forcefully performed oral on her and actual intercourse. She told my sister that the look in my eyes had her very scared. This news has me literally mentally and emotionally destroyed. I so wish she had told me. I would have wanted a chance to apologize and do what I could to repair, if possible, the wrong. It may very well have scared me sober much sooner saving me from too many alcohol induced bad decisions. My sister said, mom had her promise not to say anything because she knew I had no recollection of what had happened but my sister felt now that she had passed, that I should know. I truly wish she hadn’t told me because I feel powerless to do anything. I’m having a very rough time with it all and my inability to fix any of it.