Coming To Terms With Being Gay

This is a little about coming to terms with myself. I imagine that it happens to everyone, the day that you come to terms that your gay. Or maybe for a girl the day she loses her virginity. For gays losing your virginity is also a day that lives in memory. I was 27.

My life up to that day was typical for a small city middle class kid. My father was the school superintendent, my mother worked for the Pastor at the church. We were 'good' kids, never got into trouble, didn't drink or smoke pot. I was athletic enough, I ran track. I had a girlfriend in high school but we were from the same church so saving ourselves for marriage was part of our commitment to Christ. My mother was totally, one hundred percent sure that we were getting married right after we graduated and before college.

But she failed in her commitment and got pregnant at a party.

College was much the same, I made good grades, ran track but wasn't good enough to stay on the team. I will say though that being part of the track team and showering with the guys was always something I looked forward to. Even then I admired the manly shape, the hung guy, the hairy legs and hairy ass of the other athletes. I did dream of being on my knees, of sucking their dicks. I did, but I felt guilty and when I masturbated I was always under one particular guy. I really did want to have him on my back, I used objects to stick in my anus to masturbate.

I knew I had a fixation, but I never 'did' it. It was just in my mind. Losing my right to shower with the team sent me into a form of depression. I got a job at the Athletic office, towels for the team. At least I could watch. Although nothing ever happened there were athletes that locked eyes with me. They were gay but I was too shy. I masturbated instead.

I was a grad student, I got degrees in Biology. I had a part time job at one of the labs in the Biology department. Cleaning up, setting out, keeping track of inventory. The sort of thing that you start out doing in a lab. There was a PhD student who supervised me. For this confession I'll call him Joe. He's the one that put me on my knees and bent me over. But that came later, after weeks and weeks of masturbating twice and three times a day. I had seen his dick one day in the restroom, I dreamed about it. It's curious to me that I never dreamed about him, about being with him, sharing, going to the movies. My dreams were always sexual, holding his dick, sucking his dick, and when it reached the point that I lay on my stomach to masturbate into the mattress, having him fuck me. I always had some object in my ass by that time.

At this point we are talking years since I had developed this fixation, since my freshman year in college. I did not think I was gay. Far from it. It was a masturbation thing, a fantasy of sorts. But Joe was gay, a guy gay. I would later learn to recognize guys like him as Alphas. I certainly was no Alpha. Joe forced me down to my knees, his hand on my head. He was a lot stronger than I was. My knees gave in and I was facing his crotch. "Make me happy" he told me.

I fumbled with the zipper and unbuttoning his pants, but I got his dick out and the moment of truth had come. I sucked him, but first I just put his dick in my mouth, the desire to suck him wasn't immediate. I peed in my pants. I was embarrassed about that. I shut my eyes and fucked him. He didn't cum, I was too nervous and didn't know what I was doing. He laughed at me for peeing in my pants. He had me bend over one of the tables in the lab and lower my pants. He did tell me that if it hurt to tell him and he would slow down. He poked my ass with his finger, before sticking his dick in me. How long it took? Forever comes to mind.

I got fucked. From then on I wanted Joe to kiss me. He fucked me a lot in his apartment, he lived alone. I sucked his dick until he came. He liked me to walk around naked, and swat my dick and ass with a flyswatter. Joe kissed me, but only when he was fucking me like a 'girl', with my legs around him facing him. Then he kissed me as he fucked me. Joe called me a sissy, a wimp, a bitch, a faggot, a queer. Joe wasn't gay, I was gay. Joe just like to fuck around with me.