Life Changes With Neglect

I’m a 65 yo married man. living a str8 life that fits me well. Been married to this wife for over 35 years. I guess our life is prob. No different than most others.
Soon after our marriage my very beautiful and sexy wife seemed to be changing before my eyes. She started making excuses and turning away from making love.
I had a very high sex drive and she seemed to have none. Wasn’t that way till the ring went on that finger. For over 30 years it was a huge problem.
I tried everything . She kept moving the goal post.
Then it started that she wanted things like back or foot rubs for hours as a trade for my pleasures.
To tell the truth it was torture. As life went on it caused me so much hurt I started
Seeing sex differently. The thoughts started giving me anxiety and it affected my ability to perform . Rejection is a passion killer for sure. It only got worse.
When she was out of town I turned to Craigslist and met a man to get head. He turned the tables on me and I sucked his cock and was tied and fucked. I came handsfree first time ever. I met a guy on another site and still some years later I still suck him off any chance I get.
This is valentine day, but I no longer want to make love to her I wish I was sucking his cock and swallowing his creamy load. When she and I have sec. She always has to plan it. It was that way for years. It killed my drive. And I start dreading it when she tells me tonight we can play. I have lost all of my skills I once had with her. I just want to get it over with. Hopefully she want try anything tonight. And in a few days I will give my buddy a fantastic bj