Guilt I Can't Shake For Something I Was Only A Bystander

It's been twenty years now. I had a hard crush in high school but the boy fell off a horse and broke his neck and is a quadriplegic. Of course I went through all forms of emotional blackmail and it was hard for me to just walk away with guilt thrown on me. I went away to college and got my degree and went to work in another city. Every time I went home I had to go through the whole what about John routine. What about John? I didn't love him, but the guilt trips were terrible.

At work a man who worked with me decided that I would be his woman at work. I mean he told me to make him a lunch and bring it, I set his place at the kitchen table for lunch and I picked up after him. I was responsible for weekend activities and picking up his laundry. You're the woman here, so be the woman and stop complaining. Maybe not that harsh but pretty much sums it up. I was so happy to be the 'woman' you probably can't believe it.

In his house I had two woman stations, in the kitchen and the bedroom. He splayed me out, inserted in me, holding my wrists so my arms couldn't move, 'I love fucking my woman'. Well not romantic, but it got the message across. I loved being the woman. I learned to cook and take care of the place and moved in with him. He was the man and I was the woman, I got a lot of complaining by family and friends about getting married. Why do I want to get married? I'm already his woman.

I had to confront John one day, fifteen years after his accident. He was doing really bad, emotionally and suicidal. I went because I was guilted into it. He looked terrible, he refused to let the staff groom him. I won't lie to you, I felt so bad I had to leave the room, I couldn't face him. I went outside and my 'man' took me into his arms and said 'you are my woman', nothing to see here, let's get going.

At home, yes I called it home, I lived there with him. He told me that it was time for me to just accept it. Get over it. Walk away and don't go back. It's over, once and for all, it's over. Words are words but that doesn't mean that they can make things happen. If I was his woman then I had to be 'his' woman, once and for all, period. I decided that it was time, I told myself I could do it. I convinced myself that I could be 'his' woman if I got pregnant.

We got married, big belly and everything. I got his name and all the other things that goes with it. I have a child now and I named him John. No matter what my husband says, no matter how he says it. I'm his woman for sure, but I can't walk away from my childhood memories.