Learned What I Am In Baptist School

My family would be mortified if they learned this, so confessing it here. I grew up with religious messages about how sex was bad, men couldn't be trusted, and women could keep things pure. I tried to avoid even thinking about sex, but I always associated it with men, never with women. I knew in theory that women could do things together of course, but I just didn't think of it as sex, I really didn't think about it at all, just something weird to put out of my mind as quickly as possible. It was a pretty closed off upbringing, as much as it could be in this age (I avoided even using a smart phone for a long time, let alone the internet, because that too I was taught could corrupt your thinking).

I then went to a Baptist university, and felt lonely at first, but had a great roommate I bonded with very quickly, let's call her Lynn. She was completely unashamed about being naked around me, or vice versa, and that made me comfortable. It wasn't long before we were cuddling in bed "just for comfort" when we were feeling lonely, and gave each other massages when we were tense, including around our periods. We became completely open in talking to each other about intimate things like our periods. I really liked the feeling of our breasts rubbing up and even interlocking with each other in bed, but I swear I really just thought of it as maternal comfort. I sometimes at home would lay in bed with my mother or another relative this way, but with clothes on, and doing it with clothes off just seemed like a higher level of comfort rather than anything sexual.

Well, it gradually escalated, but not in a way that felt wrong or strange, basically Lynn was giving me a backrub when I was tense and suggested rubbing my legs since I was having period cramps. I don't think she had anything specific planned, but I turned over so she could rub my legs and thighs, which felt really good, and then started rubbing my pussy gently. I said that was helping me relax, so she kept doing it. It wasn't steady, it was more like she was exploring and figuring out what felt good to me, and what she was comfortable with. But my feedback definitely led her to rub me more. We did this for several evenings even after my period went away. I would rub her at times, but she was the only one who touched me. Finally on the fifth or sixth night her touching led to an orgasm, my first ever. I didn't really know what it was, but I told her how good it felt and asked Lynn for this more often.

After a month of this she simply started licking my clitoris, without talking about it more, and I just accepted it. It may be hard to believe, but I still didn't really think of this as sexual, I guess I tried not to think about it, it just seemed to be happening in a world which had nothing to do with anything I had heard about the evil secular world of gays and perversity, because it was something we were doing at the church school and we trusted each other.

Lynn much later said that she had feelings that she was gay when she was younger, but never knew how to act on it, and really didn't plan to seduce me, but just felt relaxed and comfortable with me. Anyone seeing us in public would just see us as good friends, and I never thought of her as a girlfriend or lover, just someone I enjoyed being with. I still thought about men, and honestly think I am 90% straight because I don't really want to have sex with a woman, I mean I don't want to do to a woman what she did to me. But I did enjoy it and would do it again. I had doubts about my religion toward the end of university studies and after graduating, though it really didn't have anything to do with sexual feelings. The weird thing is I never felt guilty about any of this, though I later thought I should have if I took the church messages about homosexuality seriously, or thought about what I was doing as fulfilling my sexual desires. But honestly I didn't, I just thought of it as feeling good with someone I trusted.

I haven't seen Lynn in years. But I sometimes have dreams of meeting her again, and letting her kneel down under my skirt and lick me again. I don't know if I'll ever find a woman who would do that without reciprocation, which I don't think I could do--though I'm not against oral sex, and have done it to men, it just feels weird in a way that receiving it doesn't.