Wanting Another Man

My story evolved. When I was a young boy I caught a man and a boy in the bushes by the park. I watched until it was over. The memory is as sharp as ever. Later, after college I worked at a job that took me out of town. It was lonely and I frequented Denny's late at night. I sat at the counter. From time to time some man would talk to me but it never went farther than that.

One day at work I was told I had to go to Bogota to install a software for the machinery there. With testing it was a two week trip. My first passport. Over the weekend the American shop foreman took me to a whorehouse. The whores were of all types, but I couldn't get interested. I sat and watched the whores dance to the slow music.

I started traveling internationally. I had a laptop and passed the time in my hotel room watching porn. I focused more on the man than the woman, always the man, the penis, the hard penis. I gravitated to gay porn. My memory of that boy and that man. I identified with the boy, not the man. My dreams at night were sexual, being made love to like that. For years I travelled, I had a personal laptop to watch porn. I went on gay chat sites. Perfected my approach, but never followed through.

I was 35, in Amsterdam, I was by then a supervisor. At breakfast this man asked to sit with me. He was older, a Dane. That night I was in the bar alone and he came in. His English was impeccable, he said he was an investigator. He suggested a small restaurant, and then a club. At the club it was all men, very aggressive, dressed in tight leather pants, younger men in short shorts very tight. The Dane kept his arm around my shoulders, I felt safe, warm. He kissed me in the club. I didn't resist or turn him down. What had been a dream was now real.

We returned to the hotel and went to his room. What had been the fantasy of masturbation was now alive.