A Closeted Journey

I look back and I see a progression in my gay desires. As a teen I masturbated to thoughts of both women and older men usually the fathers of my male friends. The gay fantasies filled me with more lust.

In my early 20's I was still a virgin and inexperienced with women. My male best friend who was my age got high one night at my place.and he dared me to suck his cock. He took his pants down and showed me a very sexy hard cut cock close to 7 inches. It turned me on seeing it and I sucked him eagerly which surprised him. Loved how it felt in my mouth and I swallowed his load. After that he had me suck him regularly. Over time I fell in love with him though I never told him and wanted more. He never wanted to suck me or kiss but he eventually wanted to be fucked as well. I enjoyed penetrating him and my cock got so hard until I released in him. So I lost my virginity with him. I also had some anonymous encounters with men in parks ,adult theaters,bathhouse and discovered I liked other men's cocks alot too. Mostly gave and received oral with kissing and mutual masturbation a cwell.

I met a young woman who fell for me and I got married to her. Throughout the marriage I had sex on the side with my friend and thought of him to orgasm inside her. At this point I considered myself bisexual. After my divorce I continued having sex with my best friend but also had sex with some women I dated. In my late 30's my best friend met a woman and married her moving to another city. This was the time my gay desires truly escalated. Had anonymous sex with men mostly older guys over 50 as well as sexual affairs with steady older men I met in gay bars. I realized I was a closet gay man at this point. I git fucked for the first time and loved that too even more than being the top. I became more a bottom now in gay sex.

Went back to women later as romantically I usually fell for women not men though sexually I prefered men's cocks. Had several longer term relationships that petered out. By 50 I was back having sex with men I met in gay bars or on gay telephone dating lines. A guy 10 years older fell for me and I became his boyfriend. We went on dates and I met his friends. Saw him every weekend for over a year. He was in love andcwanted ne to live with him but being out of the closet like this made me uncomfortable so I ended it.

Went back to anonymous gay encounters mainly in adult bookstores with video booths. Did that for 10-12 years until the pandemic and those places shut down. The gay desires firmly entrenched I found myself mainly having sex with older men over 60 which had become my type. For the past few years I have not had anonymous sex with men as that promiscuous lifestyle no longer appeals to me. Instead I jerk off to gay porn and have mainly female friends. I miss being with men but in the gay world anonymous sex is easy to come by but loving relationships are rare. Even friends with benefits situations mean I will likely be servicing an older married guy upon his convenience with occasional get togethers always at my place. I tried that and it felt lonelier than not seeing anyone. I have concluded the gay world is just for the young and uninhibited guys who just want to get off. I have met very very few happy gay male couples. They all seem to cheat andv fight with each other.