I Get Off To The Memory Of My Assault

There’s a lot of shame surrounding what happened to me. What they made me do to them. What they did to me and made me promise not to tell. It is something I’ve been to therapy for a long time. The trauma from the experience has been serious and I wish it never happened.

But something I’ve never told anyone even my therapist is that I masturbate to the memory of it all. I know how sick that is. Believe me I’m deeply ashamed. I don’t know why I’m like this. It started out watching groping porn online. Then I started to think of it one night while the porn was on. Thinking of what happened with me.

It was like I mixed both things together. Now if I think about how they told me to lick their cock like a lollipop how it would be sweet like sugar. I get wet. I remember how the sound of him swallowing while my tongue flicked his head. How tightly he held my neck.

I remember the look in his eyes while he explored my underwear. It was the first time anyone had touched me like that and the way he looked at me like he wanted to see how his touching made me feel… how his eyes lit up when I wriggled at the sensation of his rough finger tips on my delicate clit. I can’t help it I just rub myself how he did that day. I pretend it’s him and I picture our eyes locked.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I can’t tell anyone though because I’m terrified I’m the only person in the world who could get off to her own sexual assault. I’m a freak and I hate it. But nothing else gets me as wet as touching myself to this memory.

I remember crying and he wiped my tear on to my nipple and sucked it off. Like they were sick fucks who took me without asking. I hate them. But the memory of them makes me cum most nights. I feel crazy but also horny writing about this here.