Discovering I'm Gay Is One Thing, But Finding My Gay Place Is Another

I moved into town after my divorce and found that I didn't fit in. I wasn't a gym snob, or a metrosexual. I went to work and then back to the apartment. I ate alone. I developed a routine, habit following my work schedule. In my eyes I was anonymous and invisible.

A man in my complex worked in sales at the mall in the department store shoe department. Older and dressed well for his job, he said he was originally from Pakistan. One day after work he stopped by my apartment. It was already ten in the evening. I let him in and offered him something to drink and he asked for tea, which I didn't have, so he settled for water.

He was quite nice about it, he told me that he had a preference for men and that's why he left Pakistan. He noticed that I lived alone and he thought maybe I could use the company. I told him thanks but no thanks, I wasn't into men. He responded that a man can make love to man much better than a woman can. If I would just let him make love to me I would see what he was talking about.

He skipped ahead to himself and told me that when he was young the driver of the bus in his district would suck his penis and he liked that. Later he sucked the drivers penis and he liked that too. One day the driver made love to him. It was common in his country for the older man to make love to the boys. He found that he really enjoyed that, especially being made love to. Now that he was much older he was the one who made love and if I let him he would very much want to make love to me. Could he show me, suck my penis?

Well one thing leads to another and then another and he ended up making love to me. Including full penetration and ejaculation. He told me that he had often made love to white men and he much preferred a white man to a man from his country. White men loved to be made love to, and he could see that I loved it too.

I learned from him how to suck on a penis, how to make love with a man. He was very attentive to hygiene and insisted on cleanliness. He found that following a warm shower he liked to prepare me by spending time with his tongue in my anus. He said it made him have more desire, the smell of a man's anus. For years we remained like that. He had his apartment and I had mine, but we always made love in my apartment. I learned to enjoy it, and look forward to his love making. I never imagined that I would welcome that role, being the passive object of affection.

After fifteen years my friend passed a couple of years ago and I find myself missing his presence more and more these days. I really need a man to make love to me. By making love I mean having sex with me. I can't get warmed up to many of the gay men I've met here. Unlike my Pakistani friend they are too aggressive and loud. A quiet man, with intense desire to make love, to kiss and touch, and to ensure that I am the one he is pleasuring. That's the man I am looking for.