Searching For A Dream That Is Unlikely To Materialize

Following a marriage of 20+ years, things just fell apart slowly. Good friends, but the bedroom was cold. Not her, me. I just couldn't get interested, or aroused. I fell into a deep period of masturbation, and always masturbated to sex with another man. Reliving a specific sexual encounter, or participating in a fantasy sexual encounter with a fictional man. As with my specific encounter, my fantasy fixation is to be the receiving or bottom partner. Always wanting to receive sexual intercourse. Craving the idea.

In my early years in college I fell into a gay sex relationship with a professor's male assistant. It was intense, I was the girl for him, including wearing girl panties and prancing around his apartment only in panties. I sucked and fucked, and kissed and made out, I was the perfect girlfriend. I loved being the girl.

After college it took me a long time to stop feeling like the girl. In my later thirties I met a woman and we got married out of convenience. Sex at the beginning was intense, she had been celibate and not participating before getting married. I wanted to be the girl and for her to be the initiator, but it wasn't in her. I wanted anal sex. Time proved that I was looking for love, in this case sex, in the wrong place. As time went by sex in the marriage went away. At least between us.

The encounter that I masturbate to is the one above, when I was the girl with the teaching assistant in college. My fantasies are about being the girl, wearing girl's panties, and being rolled around and fucked by a truck driver or similar male. I want to be kissed by a hard working man, a truck driver or utility pole worker. I want the big cock, in my fantasy, but I know it will be average, only big in my mind.

I say to myself if I was a girl I would be a whore and get fucked all the time. But maybe if I was a girl, that would not be my fantasy.