Straight Female / 24
Overcoming My Aversion To Intimacy
By the time I was old enough to understand it I had developed a strong aversion to anything sexual. I was nice, helped out when needed, had easy enough conversations with both boys and girls. But being touched, my personal place invaded, resulted in anxiety attacks. Fear is not a wrong word. In my imagination, it was going to hurt, plus be forced on me.
As an adult out in the real world, my aversion strengthened. So much so I was taking to maintaining a large distance when around people, refusing hand shakes. So, when I was with a coworker, and we had to sit next to each other, his knee touching me, his hand on my thigh, and then I choked on my Coke and it came back thru my nose. His handkerchief was out, on my face, holding my head, wiping my chin for me.
I kept his handkerchief to wash it. He walked me out of the presentation, his arm around me. I trembled, my breath broken, but he didn't read it. Tighter he pulled me to him. I begged him to let me use the bathroom. I vomited. Back in the room he put his arm around me. On the drive back to the office he described what he wanted to do to me. He pushed me to accept a dinner and a movie.
He held my hand in the movie, I had given in to the inevitable. He was going to do what he was going to do with me. He walked in with me at my apartment. He informed me, not asked for permission, but I said OK.
I'm doing better, really I am. Still have anxiety but I've learned to control it with him. He's offered to marry me, but I'm keeping that option open. First I have to get to being comfortable with sex as an acceptable behavior for me.
As an adult out in the real world, my aversion strengthened. So much so I was taking to maintaining a large distance when around people, refusing hand shakes. So, when I was with a coworker, and we had to sit next to each other, his knee touching me, his hand on my thigh, and then I choked on my Coke and it came back thru my nose. His handkerchief was out, on my face, holding my head, wiping my chin for me.
I kept his handkerchief to wash it. He walked me out of the presentation, his arm around me. I trembled, my breath broken, but he didn't read it. Tighter he pulled me to him. I begged him to let me use the bathroom. I vomited. Back in the room he put his arm around me. On the drive back to the office he described what he wanted to do to me. He pushed me to accept a dinner and a movie.
He held my hand in the movie, I had given in to the inevitable. He was going to do what he was going to do with me. He walked in with me at my apartment. He informed me, not asked for permission, but I said OK.
I'm doing better, really I am. Still have anxiety but I've learned to control it with him. He's offered to marry me, but I'm keeping that option open. First I have to get to being comfortable with sex as an acceptable behavior for me.
