Deep In The Closet, Behind The Dark Curtains,

I suppose I am one of those men with a skeleton in the closet, and a deep dark secret. As a young man I worked summers in a beach side hotel motel on the outer banks. The owner of the motel was a retired Navy and he pushed himself on me. I got a mouthful of his penis and a buttful as well. He liked fucking me and the summer I worked there I was his fuck and his 'bitch'. When I returned to college I tried to put it out of my mind, but that was impossible.

Every time I saw a man like him, older, with whiskers and a pot belly, tanned with big hands I thought of him. I also imagined what it would be like and masturbated thinking of it. I never liked younger men or what you think of as metrosexuals. I never liked obvious gays or fairies, always the same, a big man with whiskers and big hands and I wanted him to fuck me.

After college I went to work for a construction company as an apprentice foreman. Lots of men like that, beer drinkers, pool players, hunters, so much cock and none of it for me. I masturbated continuously. It was while working there that I discovered gay sex on the internet. I always identified with the bottom, but I was too scared to look for relief. I also discovered Craigslist with adds to meet men. I contacted but never followed through.

I then met a man by accident, waiting for my car to be inspected. He was the type I always fantasized about and he struck up a conversation. He said he was retired and had moved into an apartment in the area. He asked about places to eat or have a drink and talked about his car and the conversation went on longer even after our cars had been inspected. Standing by my car he asked me if I was ready to get some lunch and we went to this deli. That afternoon I was in his apartment sucking his penis and offering myself to him. He and I became fuck buddies and friends.

I know I'm gay, but not like most gays. I want gay sex but not really a relationship, other than friends with benefits. I live in a condo complex and I'm friends with Max, a retired pipe fitter. He has big hands and a pot belly and loves to have his dick sucked on. He's big into 'fucking' the shit out of me, and likes me to bend over while he watches tv. We watch gay porn together, sometimes he gets amorous and wants to kiss and fondle before having sex. I'm open to anything, I figure I'm the one wanting and he is the one giving, so I'll take what he's offering.

My biggest fear is somehow coming out in the open. I have to be careful and compartmentalize my sex with him, and my regular life and my job and my family.