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- My Spouse -
Straight Male / 32

Wife Is Mad At Me And Our Marriage Is Deteriorating

I hid a 2-year affair from my wife so I would not hurt her feelings. She has always been the sensitive type, so I had to protect her.

She is upset that I didn't tell her. Again and again I explain that that was the correct and compassionate thing to do.

Before she knew, she was happy. Now that she knows, she's sad and angry. Ergo, not telling her made her situation better.

It's easy to make men who have affairs out to be monsters, but I for one was thinking of my wife when I hid my affair. I was protecting her from a situation she couldn't handle.

6
# 77410 - by Sylvester / March 8, 2025
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Comments

Seagull57

by Seagull57 on Mar 9, 2025 at 3:47 AM

Sylvester, let me be the first to say, that's a load of crap! You found a hot babe to fuck and you fucked her! You enjoyed it, so you went back for more! You didn't tell your wife because wives who get cheated on file for divorce! They take half of everything you own, you lose regular custody of your kids, if she's a work colleague, you may lose your job! With alimony and possible child support coming out of your pay, your life is changed dramatically and not for the better! Your feelings for your wife never entered into your decision! If you truly cared about upsetting her, you wouldn't have put your cock in another woman! You can lie to her, but don't lie to yourself!

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 9, 2025 at 8:35 AM

I appreciate your perspective, Gull, and it applies to a lot of marriages, but not to ours.

Wife and I have equal incomes, so no spousal support.

Wife and I have no kids, so no child support and no custody battle.

Wife and I each have non-commingled assets from before our marriage, and a prenuptial agreement to reinforce this, so no loss of half of what "I" (if a singular "you" was meant; hopefully the plural is assumed, since a marriage is a partnership) own.

I really did think of her emotional safety in not disclosing.

Question: If two people agree to a monogamous marriage and one stops having sex, does that mean the non-sexual spouse can unilaterally and permanently stop the other spouse from having sex? Is divorce the only solution? Or is a discreet affair reasonable?

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 9, 2025 at 9:20 AM

That’s a funny way to rationalise cheating…. Consider how you WILL feel if you accidentally discover that your shy and sensitive wife has, in fact, been having an affair with your best friend, but they never told you because you’re a sensitive guy…. I’m not at all sure that YOU would buy that :-)

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 9, 2025 at 10:01 AM

Sylvester, I thank you for clarifying. I think that you made your mistake by not talking openly with your wife about the decreasing frequency of sex within your marriage. At the time, had you explained how the lack of regular sex was impacting you and your relationship, she may conceded and allowed you to find sex elsewhere. If that is something that she could deal with. Do you know why she no longer is interested in sex?
By going behind her back for two years, she can only feel betrayed. She had probably concluded, over time , that you were okay without sex or at worst were masterbating to stay content. Now, she finds out that you've had a mistress this whole time and have been laughing at her the whole time!
What you need to do now is talk to her. If you still love her and want to stay with her, things need to change. If she is unable to enjoy sex, either for medical reasons or just fundamentally opposed, she should let you step out from time to time to seek relief! If she simply doesn't want sex and doesn't you having sex, you may have to consider leaving. I apologize for this next thought, but has she taken a lover as well? That could be a reason why she no longer values sex with you. I wish you luck! Seagull

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 9, 2025 at 10:14 AM

I think having the affair was a bigger mistake than telling her about it.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Mar 9, 2025 at 1:18 PM

Thanks, Sylvester. I did talk with her at length as her libido waned. An affair was definitely not my first stop. It's just a frustrating situation. Your advice is excellent for men who are considering an affair and have not yet discussed their sexual needs with the wife. I realize I'm the exception in various ways, but your advice will be useful to most men who read this in the future!

To an anonymous commentator - I wouldn't mind if my wife were getting sex elsewhere, especially if it meant her libido could be revived. I am happy with my affair partner and couldn't begrudge my wife the same happiness. But I know she's not having sex with other people. She stopped her birth control years ago. I also remember that sex the night before would put her in a good mood the next day. Now she's sullen all the time.

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