I've Been Outsourcing My Marriage

When I turned 35, I had a sort of crisis. I was exhausted. I was unfulfilled. I was unhappy. The culprit? Marriage and all the expectations it places on women.

I wised up and have spent the last year outsourcing my diverse roles as a wife:

1. Cooking - Hired a professional chef who works Monday through Friday and leaves heat-and-serve meals for the weekends. He also makes the kids' school lunches.

2. Cleaning - Hired a cleaning service to come Mondays and Fridays. Monday is general cleaning and Friday is laundry, plus touch-ups of high-traffic areas like bathrooms and kitchen.

3. Childcare - I hired 3 nannies, who divide up after-school and weekday evening shifts plus all-day weekend shifts.

4. Family obligations - I hired a personal assistant who tracks birthdays, buys g*fts, and fills out cards (it's a long list, my husband, our two kids, my parents, my in-laws, several of my college friends, several of his frat bros).

5. Travel - I hired a fractional travel agent (she works about 10% of the time for us) to plan and book vacations, inbound visits from my parents and my in-laws, etc. Family visitors are accommodated at a local hotel, where we get a corporate rate. This reduces wear-and-tear on the house and gives our guests the flexibility to come and go as they please, eat when they want, etc.

6. Sex - I set up an account with a professional service. My husband can choose different girls on their Web site. He gets 3 blowjobs a week, with swallowing, 2 fucks, and 1 extended session of cuddling, making out, and breast fondling. Once a month and on his birthday and Christmas, I cover the no-condom fee so he can cum inside the girl he fucks that day. Once a month I also pay the "college-age" supplement so he can enjoy some under-25 pussy.

7. Sex for me - I set up an account with a service that mostly does bachelorette parties but can also supply attractive men for one-on-one appointments. I get an hour with a young, muscular stud Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, plus a midweek lunchtime quickie. Separately, I get an evening of cuddling and intimacy with a man around my own age, on Tuesdays (least expensive day of the week).

8. Handyman - I have an account with a handyman service. This gentleman does (or subcontracts for) all home repairs, takes the car for oil changes, etc.

My stress levels have dropped enormously. Every member of the family is happy. I feel as if I am 10 years younger. And I no longer daydream about divorce and abandoning this band of leaches known as my husband and my children.

I'm also performing much better at work. The raises and bonuses I've earned help me to afford all the outsourcing.

It feels as if my husband and I are better friends than ever before. Kids are content and well-adjusted, too. No arguments about homework or grades or finishing everything on the plate before having dessert or going to bed on-time.

This is living!