Better Off With Him Than Without Him, I'm Going Back To Him

I'm a later in life lesbian. If I am honest the signs were always there, but I was pushed into college and marriage and children. My husband, who I met in college, is the only man I have been with. At first marriage was terrible. I can't emphasize how much of a shock it was to me. The absolute expectations of my role to him was unbreakable. If I say I cried every day for five years, I mean I cried every day for five years.

Everything and especially sex was terrible. I resisted a lot, I just sat there and refused to do it. It didn't stop him. When I mas married for five years, I was then 27, he gave me an ultimatum. A baby or the door. Getting divorced was out of the question. People today do not understand these things, we are those kind of Catholics, divorce is a sin of the highest order. Being pregnant would mean that I advertised that a man was having sex with me. It was bad enough being married.

I sought help, first with our Parish Priest, go forth and multiply, submit to your husband. Then with a 'lady' marriage counselor, the first one to suggest to me that maybe I was more suited for life with a girl. She gave me these tests, all sorts of tests, they cost 300 dollars. When she read the answers she told me I was 'dominant', and I showed (she showed me this graph), I was in the bottom left corner. Lesbian. I refused to believe her. I went home and let my husband get me pregnant.

Sometime later, during my first pregnancy, I told my husband what that 'test' had shown. His answer, probably but it doesn't matter, you're married. As to dominant, well not as dominant as he is. Pregnancy, an infant, alone in a house, all sent me into depression. I was given a prescription, but my husband refused for me to take it. Just accept your condition, you are married and that's the end of this nonsense. I was pregnant again eighteen months later. Repeat of the first experience, being pregnant, and the innuendo of my husband being the man that got me that way.

With my second baby there was no returning to work. I was walked into the stay at home life, part time baby sitting, workouts at the gym for lady's time. A girl name Brenda. Brenda was married, hell we were all married, we had children. Brenda before getting married had been '
active' and she told me that I she was 100% sure I was lesbian. How did I end up married?

Brenda broke the ice with me, and over time she convinced me that a little girl time wasn't cheating. My husband played golf, I played 'cards' with Brenda. Today you call this friend's with benefits, at that time we just called it kinki. Brenda and I have been in this relationship for ten years. Until I told my husband and told him I needed out, to breathe, I just couldn't continue living the lie, being tied down by him, and yes, under his dominant personality.

My life away from my husband is difficult financially. I am still mostly dependent on him. My children are in their preteen years and it's difficult to tell them why mommy and daddy don't live together. Brenda and I continue, but we don't live together. It's sex. But more than sex. I call my husband every day to check in on him. My daughter who is 12 helps me go over to clean house for him. I don't want to hear that someone is moving in with him. We are not divorced, and I use his name exclusively. It's a trial separation, but it is not working.

I can't afford to be single, and I will crawl over glass before I allow some other woman to take my place in my marriage. I told my daughter I made a mistake and I'm going to ask for forgiveness. I married reluctantly, but I'm not going to divorce willingly.