Accepting The True Nature

Every life has a flow and winding course like a river. We can start out wondering where it leads and one day we know.

I never wanted to be gay. Many attempts were made to live a straight life and at one point I was married. The gay life looked chaotic,difficult and challenging fraught with being judged,discrimination, being potentially ridiculed. My family would not accept a gay member if they came out. Outwardly I pretended to be straight though internally struggling with being attracted to men. I was confused though because I was romantically attracted to women and could sexually perform with them if horny and utilizing internal gay fantasies to achieve orgasm. For years I told myself I was bisexual and lived a closeted life. I fell in love with my male best friend in my early 20's who was equally conflicted. He let me suck his cock but no kissing. His desire for limits in the relationship prevented a full gay relationship. Later I got married to a woman but was never fully committed and that relationship failed.

For many years I not only cruised for gay sex in parks,gay bars,gay bathhouses,porn theaters and ABS I also dated women even living with several. I lived a double life until age 50. Then for 8 years I essentially lived more or less openly as a gay man but not telling my family. I had sex with lots of men both anonymously and in affairs. Even had an older gay boyfriend for awhile and lived in a gay area.Something never felt quite comfortable living that way. Not sure if it was conditioning or social discomfort. I loved sucking a man's cock and pleasing him behind closed doors and would bottom in intercourse if he liked that. In public never liked to hold hands or be overtly affectionate. I felt I could fall in love again with another man but it never quite happened. Still felt attraction to women romantically. I had been in love with 2 women both of whom dumped me in the past.

That lingering attraction to women did not disguise the fact I was basically a cocksucker and bottom gay male who sexually craved cock and a man desiring me. At age 58 I tried to go back to the straight life and for the next 10 years dated women and fell in love with another woman who did not feel the same. The gay desires would intensify between relationships and I found myself on my knees sucking cocks or in anonymous encounters at ABS.

Finally the hypocrisy and dissonance of this contradictory lifestyle took its toll. I was retired now and parents passed away. I had moved to a new city and bought a condo where no one knew me. Outwardly I did not look like I was living a gay life. I dated a few women with no lasting success. I watched gay porn regularly and masturbated. I stopped seeking out gay encounters as this was a smaller city and not as anonymous as the big metropolis I lived in most of my adult life. In my late 60's I look in the mirror and see a lonely aging gay man who still has desires to have sex with men. Romantically the desire to chase women has all but completely disappeared probably due to aging and declining looks as I once was a decent looking tall athletic guy who attracted women. This is combined with the recognition I am gay and cannot offer a woman any reasonable chance of happiness.

So what is next. There are temptations to make trips to bigger cities for anonymous gay encounters in ABS and bathhouse situations. This gets my cock hard with anticipation but at the same time I have not done this since 2019 and worry about the seediness and risk which bothers me more now than when I was younger. There are gay dating apps but those can be frustrating and unrewarding. I have tried those in the past. I am not one to join gay groups. That leaves being alone and masturbating to gay porn. This is my struggle currently.