I Cheated On The Man I Believe To Be My Husband With Seven Other Men.

My boyfriend is the most wonderful man I've ever met. He is so much of what I dreamed of finding as a little girl. He's my soulmate, and we talk about marriage once his divorce is finalized.

The first six months of our relationship I saw seven other men behind is back. We met through the kink lifestyle at what we both affectionately call the Group Project. At the time, he was heavily involved in kink - "group projects", parties, clubs, multiple play partners. When I told him I only believe in and participate in monogamous relationships, he quit the lifestyle - entirely. I refused to believe this. Why give it all up to be with one person, when you can (and are used to) having it all?

I projected. I cheated to "protect myself". I figured he was always seeing other women, despite promising me otherwise, and one day when I learned the truth, it couldn't hurt. Not when I'd done it first. This was the strategy of the first ever relationship I was in as well.

He found out. I don't know that he'll ever love me the same again. I don't know that he'll ever look at me the same again. That he'll ever trust me again. That he still wants me like he did before. I don't deserve his forgiveness.

I am terrified the relationship will never be what it was.