My SA's And The Cause And Effect

I am a young guy who had many SA's when I was a kid. These are true events that have happen not some weird fantasy, When I was 4 my cousin m****ted me she was 9 at the time. It first started as funny family playtime. And after some time she pull down my shorts and touched my boner. I then touch her pussy while my aunt was asleep. We then started kissing and making out and we got to the point where we were naked under the bed touching each other and grinding. I don't think we ever penetrated but we definitely grind against each other. After some time I started getting sexually aroused by her. After all she was older and a teen at this point. I was 7 or 8 and she was 13 so she developed. During the night when we slept over I used to touch her through her clothes and got more daring. I started taking some of her clothes off. I lifted up her shirt and played with her boobs. I then took off her shorts and slid down her panties. I use to touch and stare at her ass and I went very daring. She was sleeping on her back and her legs were spread. I put my face in between her thighs and I could smell the heat of her pussy coming out. As I got closer suddenly her hand was on the back of my head and push me into her pussy. My face was against her hairy pussy as my nose was in her, I could hear her moan as she kept me down there. I didn't lick her down there since I didn't know much about sex or anything only knowing that it felt good. I did know to lick pussy but I was in shock. After some time she let go of my head she probably finished. She whispered kiss me while her eyes were close. I started kissing her as she did aswell. After we finish we went back to sleep as I was still shock of what happen. Also when I was 6 a teacher r**ed me three times and she recorded it. She fully r**ed me she did oral and anally r**ed me. And in 2021 I made the bright decision to go find the videos and after a month of looking I found them on a website. I watched myself being r**ed from the videos. She anally r**ed me when she fingered me and stick her tongue in my ass. I was a tall kindergartener I was 5'2 and I was naturally bigger aswell so I could penetrate her. she was on top of me bouncing on me while saying very lewd and disturbing things like the usual shit you would hear and adding "You were practically begging for this" and other stuff that I'm not fully comfortable to share. She had me touch her down there and suck on her tits. She sucked me off aswell and rubbed her body against me. She was smart she didn't show her face only mine. That trauma made me shut away alot of things in my past and I couldn't remember her face. I think she was a 4th grade teacher since that's where it happen I believe. I don't remember if I finished but I know she did since I had to lick some of her cum. These experiences fucked with me mentally and it traumatized me. I told my family about the teacher but not about my cousin because I love and care for her still very much. Despite those things she was like an older sister to me because I don't have a sister. She also went through some terrible things when she was younger so I don't blame her at all we were broken kids who done dumb shit. And because of these events I was nervous with older women like those who were 5 years older or more. But because of this I started doing bad shit. I kept watching my r**e videos and started getting turned on. I masturbated to the videos and what my cousin did. I started getting aroused when I was near my cousin wanted to do it again or wanting to relive both of those moments. I was like this until early 2024. I started dating p**os. I dated this girl name Sammy who was 23 and I was 14. We erp'd and sent pics. I love the fact that I was being used and controlled by a older woman. We done sexual stuff for 7 hours a day. I still have her pics and trying to get myself to delete them. We broke up because she had college so it was all good. I then dated a woman name Misa she was hot. she was 19 and I was 15. They both knew my age and that turned me on really bad. We did the same thing but we facetime and masturbated together. She was the best especially since she was very dominate calling me lewd names. Being used by her was amazing I'm not into bdsm I just like the feeling of being restraint. We then broke up aswell as I got busy in school and she was an adult so yeah. We sometimes talk but just flirt or make lewd jokes. We are just friends and we haven't told anyone. I then dated irl with a girl my age. We did teenage things like making out and stuff. We started messing around after school in the football field bathroom. We pleasured each other many times and we even had sex two times. When I would give her head her smell reminded me of my cousin and I liked how she was rough. after she had to move and I went back to my old habits. I admitted everything to the police but they didn't care I think because of my trauma but I kick my own ass about it.