The Build Up

Throughout my adult life there have been periods of time when the urges to have sex with men have taken over. I have had anonymous sex with men in ABS booths,parks,bathhouses,cars,and so on. Also had short term affairs with men in which I went to bed with the same man for a few months. The rest of the time I was in relationships with women and married to one for a few years until we divorced.

Sexually I have mostly sucked cock,been sucked or masturbated and was fucked a few times as well as fucked a couple men. Probably most enjoy orally pleasing a man. With men I have enjoyed kissing as well when both of us wanted to.

The desires for men is persistent and sooner or later I give into it. I find that romantically I prefer women so the situations with men never last as it is only based on sex. However the lust and desire for gay sex is always strong. When I have not had gay sex for awhile I crave it again and act on the urges. In some ways these desires are destabilizing as I have had risky sex with men in anonymous encounters. Living an outwardly straight life while experiencing the duality of slutty behavior troubles me to a certain extent. The urges though I feel compelled to satisfy.As an older man I have slowed down a bit and not given into these desires as much as when I was younger. Also the anonymous encounters are now much more rare due to the lack of cruising places and hesitancy in using online apps to meet men. I mostly watch gay porn and masturbate. Dating women these days also seems more difficult and frustrating. I wonder if there are other men experiencing similar struggles in balancing these desires and how to manage them.