My Life Changes

I never thought I would be confessing anything like this.
I’m in my 60’s…lived a mostly str8 life.still live a str8 married sexless married life.no one in my circle knows or would believe I VEIW myself today as a secretly gay as far as preferred sex go’s man. I’m not into men.or kissing.having feelings for a man. Even though I have a buddy I’ve been pleasing for over 6 years now on the DL…once I tried sucking his cock and allowing myself to swallow his cum I’ve been more and more excepting of my gay role in the sex acts. We do meet with a friend of his sometimes and I suck both of their cocks. I do swallow both loads when I’m allowed and his friend tops me most of the time at some point when we meet. I will say he’s not great at topping like I want. I want a really dominant top.one that enjoys and knows how to fuck. I’ve cum 5 times while taking cock handsfree. He isn’t one of them. I want a great top and. Now want to give it up as often as possible. I want a friend that is tested and that I can trust. I want to experiance raw cock and cum….yes it scares me…but I think of it often…any thoughts or advice.thx