Yesterday, after my husband went to work, I drove to a local Women's clinic and had an abortion.

It was not my first.

I had one in high school, one in college, and one in my early twenties.

This time was different though. I guess I didn't have the excuses I had last time (too young, not married, couldn't afford it).

I don't know why I didn't tell my husband I was pregnant. We've often talked about having kids and both agreed that we didn't want to wait until our late 30s like many professional couples we know. Dave is great with his little nieces and nephews and I know that he will be a great dad.

But I almost had a panic attack when my period was late. I pretended that I had it (even going so far as to lay in bed with a heating pad that Saturday.) I took three HPT before I accepted that I was pregnant. Then I made the appointment.

Last night, my husband came home and I felt like such a fraud eating dinner and sitting next to Dave in bed watching TV. When he turned to me to make love, I pleaded fatigue.

I fell asleep wrapped in his arms while he was oblivious that underneath my sweatpants I was wearing a heavy pad to catch the bloody remains of our child. During the night, I had several nightmares and woke up in a heavy sweat.

In the morning, Dave asked me was I sick and told me to stay home from work. I agreed (I was planing to already because of cramps), but panicked when he volunteered to stay home with me too. I couldn't figure out how I would hide the evidence of what I had done. I finally convinced him to go anyway.

But when 10 AM rolled around (the time I had the abortion yesterday) I had a full blown panic attack and began crying, shaking and vomiting uncontrollably. I lay on the floor of the bathroom until about 11:30. Then I got up and took a shower.

I started to call Dave and confess, but hung up when I heard his voice. He called me back and I said that I wanted him to bring home some milk. He said we had a new gallon. We did, but I said I had spilled it accidentally. So I ended up pouring the milk down the sink. Just watching all the wasted milk made me start crying again.

Now I think I am going crazy. This never happened before. Before I felt relieved and now I feel guilty and sick. I worry that Dave will find out and leave me (he had a girlfriend in college who had an abortion and he never forgave her. He doesn't know about the three abortions I had before we were together.)