I have been married for over five years and honestly and truly love my wife and I still feel attracted to her, but sometimes I have homosexual fantasies when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. I watched some gay porn the other day and masturbated to it (which I've done a couple of times in the past; maybe three or four times in my entire life). I felt dirty and depressed afterward, and still do. My wife can tell something is the matter, but I just tell her it's job-related stress. I don't consider myself gay or even bi. I have always been attracted to women, and I never check out guys or feel attracted to them in real life. I typically don't look at any porn at all, although I do tend to look at pictures of scantily clad hot chicks pretty much everyday on the internet. But for some reason, every every once in a while, I imagine being with a guy.

I come from a very conservative religious background and work for a church and could potentially be fired if anyone ever found out about what I did. I feel like I can't confess to my religious leader because he might inform my employer that I am no longer worthy to keep my job. So I desperately feel the need to confess to someone, but if I told my wife she would likely be devastated and if I tell my clergyman I could lose my job and my reputation. I just want to be right with God, but I fear I would lose everything if I were to make a proper confession like I feel I should. I'm just too afraid of the consequences, and I fear they would be far harsher than my sin warrants. I don't expect posting this here will help, but I have to at least try to get this off my chest somehow. I need forgiveness, and I wish I never had the thoughts that I had.