heyy, Well ive been living with this pain in my heart for some while now, nobody knows anything about me i try my best to hide and cover my inner most skeletons. i lost my virginity wen i was 13, ive had multiple one night stands every since, i stoped like 4 yrs ago. but it haunts me to death to know that ive slept with atleast 37 guys. ive met them off the internet when i was younger. it a shames me if i was to ever run into one of these guys, and my family is around, what if they told? i know i would deny it to the end but still. i would be lying to myself and everyone around me.. im not working or in school at the moment.i feel as if i have past issues that is holding me back big time in life. ive had a handful of boyfriends since, but they dont know, about my past- i lie about the number of partners ive been with, just so i dont look like a you kno what!! = uhmm, ive been with 2 guys in a relationship with them, for 4 1/2 yrs. the first one cheated on me, and the last one fucked me up mentally big time!! he called me every name in the book. especially the B word on numerous occasions. Ive met a guy thru someone, hes a really good guy, i took his virginity ( trust me i did) lol. but ive been so fucked up from my last relationship thats i wasnt able to even commit and make it official with him. cuz i did not want him to be a rebound. i want true love. i dont want to have to regret anything else in my life. i know he cares but i feel as if it isnt fair, that he only had one partner which is me, and ive hadd soo many. i want to tell him but that would just chase him away, and make him judge me in that kinda way. my ex hates my guts because he feels as if i moved on already, which i havent yet, its only been 8 months with this guy. he was ready to commit but i was not, and now i think im ready, but i dont think he wants to anymore. talk about drama!! it feel really great to let these demons out. and not on paper where someone could snoop and find it and expose my past mistakes. i think im just lookin for closure, or some type of acceptance, from somebody- anybody. Everyone tell me how beautiful i am, but sometime i dont see that or feel it because of these things. i know after this letter. i will be able to move on. and put the past behind me. i have to start exercising (crunches abs),eating right, get a car, get a job, and atleast enroll in college.i really and truly want to put the past behind me and move full force into my new life. this is the beginning for me. im starting a new page. i can not live in the past anymore, and let it alter my present nor my future. i want to live a happy fulfilled life, and accomplish everything that i have`nt so far. Thanks for reading my story and atleast understanding my pain. i really appreciate it 100%. ive made mistakes yes, But i cant let these thing hold me back any longer. Thanks again for you time and patience. <3 Moving on Fully now , whoa! wat a relief.