I have the most amazing man in my life. He's kind, thoughtful, sweet and so forth. He is in a lot of ways perfect.

Unfortunately, we met under false pretenses and I let things go for far too long.

Issue number one is that I'm not attracted to him. He's overweight and I hate it! I shouldn't be so vain, I'm not in the good shape that I used to be. But, I cannot stand it. It's too much! It damn near grosses me out, and he feels so shitty that he's let himself go so badly that he doesn't even dress nice or take care with his appearances. I'm not shallow to that point, but I don't like men who dress dumpy---old, nasty, torn, holey clothes. Take prinde in yourself.

Number two, I feel that he is condescending and I hate that. I don't want to be smarter nor do I think I am better, but I do feel that we balance each other out and neither one is better than the other.

Number three, he doesn't take control in the bedroom. Our sex life is shit, although he is entirely content with it. I would be too if I got off every time. I'm just not at all engaged in our sex life or anything physical with him. It's horrible. I wish he'd lose the weight. I wish he didn't have a secret habit of sabotaging his diet with junk food. He lies and doesn't think that I know, but I find the wrappers. I have to be heavily intoxicated to even sort of enjoy sex, and it's not because of him, it's more or less that I am thinking of people I've dated prior to him. I feel so dreadful about it. It's been over a year now. I wonder if I can deal with shitty, horrible sex for the rest of my life.

To make matters worse, although I have never cheated in any way, shape or form, I am strongly attracted to a co-worker, and I know he is to me as well. He has never outright said anything and I've made it well known I have a boyfriend as a precaution because I don't quite trust myself when I am around this person, but it's just getting worse.

I know that this co-worker and I would have mind blowing sex. The chemistry is overwhelming. It's torturous really. He's respectful of my relationship and always a gentleman, and I know that typically he is not that type of guy. He definitely has that player thing going on, but he is also a good guy, when he meets people he respects. I get it. Nonetheless, I secretly wish that I could take my boyfriends kindness and hottie co-workers looks and blend them together.

My boyfriend is a once in a lifetime catch. He's not damaged, he doesn't drink, do drugs, he has a good job, education, wonderful family, kind heart, determination to be successful and would literally do anything for me. And, in a lot of ways I am very happy, although I always in a strange way feel indebted to him because I have never had someone be so good to me. I've dated horrible men in the past, I chose to do it, I was young, naive and thought I could change them? Or that I'd be enough that they would change and I would too. I did. They didn't. I matured and realized my folly and took a lot of time off before getting into the relationship I'm in now.

I have it so remarkably good, except for sex, and sexual chemistry. I thought that I could deal with that because overall the rest is so good, but I truly don't know that I can. We've talked about this before, we have such an open and honest relationship and we do try and add spice, the problem is, unless he loses the weight and carries himself better and has more confidence the way he used to, I don't see it working.

I don't need the hottest man on the planet, but I need one who takes care of himself, I don't need the perfect body, nor does he, but I need to see someone who is healthy and puts some effort in. I do. I look good. WTH.

Most of all, I need to just anonymously vent, because my words, these typed words needn't be known by anyone I know. They are hurtful, they are mean, they are how I feel. Yet, some things are better left unsaid. I will give my guy time. Time to meet his fitness goals and time to improve upon himself. I will positively encourage him towards a healthier lifestyle. I want to see him happy, healthy and feeling good.

I want to be a better girlfriend too. One who isn't repulsed by physicality. One who doesn't feel like shit for loving a man but not being in love with him. I don't want to love just about everything in my relationship except our sex/intimate life.

And, I wish I had realized how important sex was before I got into this with him. I don't know if I can make this work, or if I am just holding him back from someone who will love him as he is- overweight and all. Is it bad to want someone to be healthy as they once were? I don't know. Men get repulsed when their women gain weight. Hell, many go and cheat because of it. I'm not saying I will cheat. I won't lie and say that I don't want to though. It's nothing emotional with hottie coworker. Strictly physical. I won't do it because I don't believe in it, but I won't lie and say that I don't think about it almost every night.

Loving one man and wanting to fuck another is terrible. And, I feel guilty as it is for even thinking of someone else this way, or feeling how I do about something as stupid as weight. It makes me feel like an absolute piece of shit, but it's just my honest feelings.

I had to get them out somewhere. I cannot in this case tell a soul and I fear putting it in a journal or even an e-journal for the fear that someone could find them and be crushed.

We all have our thoughts, no matter how ugly, awful or wicked they may be. I just needed to get it out there.

I will never cheat on him. The only thing I can continue to do is turn this awful energy into some positive encouragement and stick by a very good man, that I may not really deserve.