Bi-Sexual Female / 33
Started An Affair With My Married Ex And Father Of My Child
He admitted on Thursday he still had feelings for me. Of course, that was a nice thought. I found myself still attracted to him and feeling a special kind of way seeing him with our son. He hasn't been in our life for the past 11 years, due to reasons I won't get into. But we buried the hatchet and came together for the good of our kid. In doing so, we developed a friendly relationship and coparent situation. I happily obliged.
I didn't expect to still be attracted to him but he does look good even after all this time. I like being around him. I like so many things about him, traits and qualities I hope my son inherits. I don't still want to be with him, but the attraction was still there.
In confessing romantic feelings for me (to explain the tension and "weirdness" between us), he also confessed, "Do I still want to have sex with you? So bad." I couldn't stop thinking about that. I hadn't stopped thinking about it since I first saw him because the feeling was mutual.
I told him I was dangerous with that info. That if I had half a chance I wouldn't be able to say no. He's married and I have a long-term boyfriend I have been with for 4 years.
Yesterday my ex asked to meet up with me 3 hours before my son's soccer game. I said yes. He asked me if I should get a room. I said no. And firmly stuck to my guns that I wanted to see him but that was it.
We met up and got to talk. Everything being out in the open, my guard came down a bit. I had previously explained to him that I acted a certain way toward him to guard my real feelings. I had trouble being vulnerable and trusting people, especially men.
We kissed. We touched. We didn't have sex, but we talked about it. He wants to dominate me in bed. He wants to fuck me where people can see me. It was hot. He kept telling me how badly he wanted to have sex with me and that turned me on. To be so desired by someone I found attractive. That's always been my weakness.
The kissing felt like he was trying to show off, to impress me with his passion and his force. But I need some gentleness too. I need some awareness that you care about my pleasure and not just your own. It felt like his own display of power. He wanted to own me. When he kissed my neck and my ear, I nearly lost it. Those are really sensitive spots to me. He noticed and told me he felt he could give me an amazing orgasm. Naturally I have fantasized about just that. I only hope he would have a more delicate, sensitive touch in the bedroom than just barreling straight ahead. A girl needs a little more foreplay and sensuality.
Of course I feel guilty about all of this. Terribly wracked with guilt. My own selfish cowardice is preventing me from telling my boyfriend. My own selfish desire is preventing me from breaking it off with the ex. I don't necessarily want to end things with my bf overall, but I recognize I have feelings of being trapped, of wanting more, of general restlessness, that contribute to me looking elsewhere. He's a good guy and I love him though. He's a good fit for me and I don't want to lose that. So I should tell him about kissing my ex and the intentions to continue the affair and let him make his own choice.
So why don't I?
I told the ex that I wanted him to be my secret boyfriend. I was just kidding, sort of. But I liked the idea of illicitly sneaking around and being a couple in hidden view. He told me that my parents noticed the difference in me around him (the ex) and it's obvious my demeanor told him has changed. I'm no good at lying.
I told the ex I wanted to see him again soon and I was already looking forward to it.
That's true. I do want to see him. I want to touch him, but not kiss. Not have sex. Not be naked. I just want to be close and feel him. I want him to hold me. Dance with me. Rub my back. I know it would lead to more. Neither of us have self-control. And if there were ever a place for us to fuck, I wouldn't be able to say no. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said yes.
On the flip side of all this, I was reminded how controlling and seemingly manipulative my ex is. And I say seemingly because I was constantly questioning my own reality and if I was misinterpreting him or if he was really being an asshole. If you have to question your own interpretation of events, the other person is probably an asshole though. I don't like how he treated me in some ways. I don't like what he said to me about how I'm bossy. About how I'm high maintenance. About how I need to not just "react" to things and get defensive all the time like I know the outcome. That is true to a degree, but he said this when I was trying to figure out his intentions and interpret what he said (he's not a native English speaker and I think that contributes to misunderstandings). He could do well to accept his own advice.
I see him as insecure, compensating, desperate for me and willing to do whatever to get it. He gave me a speech about trusting him. That he's not going to hurt me. I told him I understand, but secretly, I don't trust him. He has not shown me I can trust him.
I feel like I'm doing all this because it's exciting and I'm attracted to him and I've built him up as someone who can meet these certain needs I pretend I can't have unmet. I'm searching for answers outside my relationship because I can't bear the alternative. I don't think my ex is the answer. But I don't like any of the answers I have.
I hate myself for so many reasons. I know I'm bad for this. I know there's no easy way out of this without hurting people, including myself.
So much of my life has been about avoiding pain, and yet I create it all the time.
I didn't expect to still be attracted to him but he does look good even after all this time. I like being around him. I like so many things about him, traits and qualities I hope my son inherits. I don't still want to be with him, but the attraction was still there.
In confessing romantic feelings for me (to explain the tension and "weirdness" between us), he also confessed, "Do I still want to have sex with you? So bad." I couldn't stop thinking about that. I hadn't stopped thinking about it since I first saw him because the feeling was mutual.
I told him I was dangerous with that info. That if I had half a chance I wouldn't be able to say no. He's married and I have a long-term boyfriend I have been with for 4 years.
Yesterday my ex asked to meet up with me 3 hours before my son's soccer game. I said yes. He asked me if I should get a room. I said no. And firmly stuck to my guns that I wanted to see him but that was it.
We met up and got to talk. Everything being out in the open, my guard came down a bit. I had previously explained to him that I acted a certain way toward him to guard my real feelings. I had trouble being vulnerable and trusting people, especially men.
We kissed. We touched. We didn't have sex, but we talked about it. He wants to dominate me in bed. He wants to fuck me where people can see me. It was hot. He kept telling me how badly he wanted to have sex with me and that turned me on. To be so desired by someone I found attractive. That's always been my weakness.
The kissing felt like he was trying to show off, to impress me with his passion and his force. But I need some gentleness too. I need some awareness that you care about my pleasure and not just your own. It felt like his own display of power. He wanted to own me. When he kissed my neck and my ear, I nearly lost it. Those are really sensitive spots to me. He noticed and told me he felt he could give me an amazing orgasm. Naturally I have fantasized about just that. I only hope he would have a more delicate, sensitive touch in the bedroom than just barreling straight ahead. A girl needs a little more foreplay and sensuality.
Of course I feel guilty about all of this. Terribly wracked with guilt. My own selfish cowardice is preventing me from telling my boyfriend. My own selfish desire is preventing me from breaking it off with the ex. I don't necessarily want to end things with my bf overall, but I recognize I have feelings of being trapped, of wanting more, of general restlessness, that contribute to me looking elsewhere. He's a good guy and I love him though. He's a good fit for me and I don't want to lose that. So I should tell him about kissing my ex and the intentions to continue the affair and let him make his own choice.
So why don't I?
I told the ex that I wanted him to be my secret boyfriend. I was just kidding, sort of. But I liked the idea of illicitly sneaking around and being a couple in hidden view. He told me that my parents noticed the difference in me around him (the ex) and it's obvious my demeanor told him has changed. I'm no good at lying.
I told the ex I wanted to see him again soon and I was already looking forward to it.
That's true. I do want to see him. I want to touch him, but not kiss. Not have sex. Not be naked. I just want to be close and feel him. I want him to hold me. Dance with me. Rub my back. I know it would lead to more. Neither of us have self-control. And if there were ever a place for us to fuck, I wouldn't be able to say no. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I said yes.
On the flip side of all this, I was reminded how controlling and seemingly manipulative my ex is. And I say seemingly because I was constantly questioning my own reality and if I was misinterpreting him or if he was really being an asshole. If you have to question your own interpretation of events, the other person is probably an asshole though. I don't like how he treated me in some ways. I don't like what he said to me about how I'm bossy. About how I'm high maintenance. About how I need to not just "react" to things and get defensive all the time like I know the outcome. That is true to a degree, but he said this when I was trying to figure out his intentions and interpret what he said (he's not a native English speaker and I think that contributes to misunderstandings). He could do well to accept his own advice.
I see him as insecure, compensating, desperate for me and willing to do whatever to get it. He gave me a speech about trusting him. That he's not going to hurt me. I told him I understand, but secretly, I don't trust him. He has not shown me I can trust him.
I feel like I'm doing all this because it's exciting and I'm attracted to him and I've built him up as someone who can meet these certain needs I pretend I can't have unmet. I'm searching for answers outside my relationship because I can't bear the alternative. I don't think my ex is the answer. But I don't like any of the answers I have.
I hate myself for so many reasons. I know I'm bad for this. I know there's no easy way out of this without hurting people, including myself.
So much of my life has been about avoiding pain, and yet I create it all the time.
