I Am So In Love With Her And I Know She Is Falling In Love With Me Too
My early lesbian life started with a girl in my class. We are both lesbians, but in the seventh grade you are figuring that out. I had a huge crush on her and that we got naked together in her room one afternoon and got all nasty was as much a surprise to me as it was to her. But we had crossed the barrier, had gone down on each other and we had kissed, and I went home with a reminder of that afternoon on my neck. She was very passionate, and very much the leader that afternoon.
I did not have any feelings of guilt. I was old enough to know that what we had done was gay, or queer. For some reason we did not use the word lesbian. I suppose to us lesbian was for real old women, not girls. We were queer. And we were 'queer'. We were together until the eleventh grade when her father was transferred and the dark days began.
To be sure I still have a hole in my heart for her. But when she left I was betrayed, I was hurt, I hated her father for taking her away from me. I spent the rest of my high school depressed, and it was then that my mother put two and two together and admitted to herself that we were two queer girls. I had to go to a counselor, who dealt with my depression. She gave me these pictures of boys and girls. Pick out the one that is pretty to you. Guess. Pick out the one that you think you want to be friends with. Guess. I had pictures of 'genitals', very explicit genitals. Guess. Not one time did I pick any boy's face or genitals. Not once. She pronounced me a juvenile lesbian, because I had been seduced by that other girl. My mother was very supportive, one day you will meet a nice boy and you will fall in love.
In college I carried my torn love on my sleeve. I didn't become close with anyone, male or female. I did take an elective on gay and lesbian myths. I hung around the table of the lesbian booth. I did tell the girl there that I had a girlfriend, but she had been taken away from me. She embraced me emotionally and although our relationship never did go sexual, we were very much lesbian girlfriends. I did have to hear about her hits and misses, and have her lay beside me on the bed and describe in detail how complicated our sexual organ system was. She confessed to me that one day she was going to have to suck it up and let a guy get her pregnant, but not till she was at least twenty five. That became my target date too.
I turned twenty five at work. I was on a hard crush with a girl that worked with me who was totally straight and told me that I made her uncomfortable. But still, when it came time to help her with her clothes, or fix her hair or talk about sex, she talked with me. I was the only one she could open up to. When she talked about this guy she was dating and how he touched her and had sex with her I became extremely jealous. I told her, that I really did love her, one hundred percent. But she was straight and we were best work friends. I told her about my goal of getting pregnant at twenty five. We got pregnant by the same guy. She married him.
We remain very close. I am still in love with her and we spend as much free time as we can together. We have siblings that we want to grow up together. Her husband, my baby daddy, puts hands on me from time to time. I let him because I want to have another baby, as soon as she is ready too. Don't get me wrong, it is her I am in love with, not him. We sit and talk about intimate parts and intimate thoughts. And one day I know she is going to get soft and I'm going to kiss her. One day we will fall back and kiss and put hands on our chests and she will fall in love too.
