This Could Be About You - Please Read
I have no where else to go with this, thus I bare my soul anonymously in your favor. Please, please, continue reading even if you believe this not to be about you at first. I've included enough that you will know who you are. If ever it IS you that reads this, please store these things in your heart and know them as true.
Over the years of knowing you, I have - against my will - developed strong affinities towards you. The heart does not ask the head for permission to care deeply for another. Wondering if you are truly holding up after your divorce. Are you being shown tenderness in your life? Does true love wish upon seeing your well-being even if I am not the one providing it?
I never intended to reach this point where it is exhausting to be near you - to hide my overwhelming care for you and your young family.
When you come to pick up your children, I toil within if I shall go down from my home office to catch a glimpse of your beauty and connect if only by means of smalltalk.
Quite some time ago, we gave you a g*ft for "someone" you see everyday as you travel with her. I said I'd help you with that g*ft some Saturday. You haven't given her that g*ft yet. Are you busy? Are you waiting for the right time? Are you nervous?
On one of our occasional movie nights in 2022, you wanted to get special flavored popcorn before the movie, and you asked me with such energy and eagerness which flavor I would want, stopping at the front door looking directly at me. Another person was present and I felt I had to turn down your exuberence by saying, "Nah, it's okay, I'll pass and stick with regular popcorn" (or something similar). I wanted so badly to say, "By all means, surprise me!". But, she was looking at me when you asked me with such desire to appeal to me. Did I miss an opportunity to increase the undercurrent of my words? I felt caught in your riptide and grabbed the safety of sterility to hide behind.
That evening your nails glowed under the blacklight, beautiful and edgy. You went before me ascending into the theater and I shamelessly stood at the bottom frozen and captive with your form. That beautiful top you wore, edgy and stylish, further establishing your femininity. Another movie night I asked if your nails would do that again under the blacklight but not so much then.
Around this time last year at the wedding, you in that red dress. I stole glimpses, hoping to connect our eyes, but as I was one of the patriarchs to the wedding event many eyes were upon me and I played down my internal inferno. The song, "Lady in Red" I secretly chose to play for you, as I was in charge of the selection order of the dancing. I resisted asking you for a dance since she was nearby and then she wanted to dance with me. Under different circumstances I would have asked you. So, instead I wished for anyone there to find you for dancing, and my heart broke, however, when I saw no one was available to dance with you. Does true love insist upon seeing your well-being even if I am not the one providing it?
Recently, you came to pick up your children when I'd been caring for them, but she had already taken them with her after preschool. When I told you this, you asked to come inside to get their milk out of our fridge. Did you really want this? It's standard store-bought milk, nothing fancy. It was then, as you were in front of me I complimented your boots, "Nice boots!" I declared. You thanked me. I wanted to convey much more to you.
The tractor wagon ride over the spring or summer...I let slip a euphemism declaring if ever you wanted another ride please let me know? I saw you smiling, laughing, engaging, and for the times you are around I feel as a source of joy for you.
Desperate to give you a g*ft for you and your children to hear, I gave it incomplete in haste and unsure if it's even usable at this point - the g*ft itself is meant to give you and your children wholesome edification. I am, however, getting in the way of my own thoughts with desires for you that I wish to experience tangible expressions of intimacy with you.
Who am I that you, a young divorced professional with men all around you, would even think about an older gentleman whose thoughts and affections have grown beyond the ability to contain them? It is exhausting.
If ever you read this, please tell me.
