I just wanted to put this out there because I've always wanted to narrate the story of my first time and share it. But I also feel like I'm not living up to my sexual potential partially because of how I was introduced to sex.

When I came out to my circle of friends at around 16, I told a few of them over instant messenger first. The first friend that I came out to in person was my friend Greg and was during a night time walk. I had a crush on him, though I never really considered seriously pursuing him, since he was straight. I did mention my crush that night, though. Much later I learned he had considered a relationship much more seriously than I, before deciding not to pursue me.

That crush faded since I did not nurse it, but I started crushing on another friend the next year. Ryan came out to me as bi-curious in the same IM conversation that I admitted I had a crush on him. Our fling started one evening when we were walking outside in my neighborhood with another friend who was spending the night at my house. I hugged Ryan's arm while our friend was not looking.

Later in online conversation, I learned that he had liked it. I started DMing a DnD campaign (my circle of friends and I were nerds, I'm not afraid to admit it) and several of my guy friends came and spent the night. Ryan and I ended up sharing my bed while the rest of the friends littered the basement living room outside my door. That first night, we just spooned all night, I'm positive we were both hard as hell, and of course both virgins who had never even kissed anyone. I spent most of the night pressed up against his backside with my hard-on in my pajama-bottoms snug against his cleft.

Not long after, I continued the campaign and rushed the end a little bit in order to get to the snuggling. The second night we escalated to oral, after we started kissing timidly, then messing around and fondling each other. I was pretty sensitive, and I thought I had finished, but looking back on it I don't think I did. Either way, it was the first sexual thing I ever did in my life

We cuddled a couple more times after that, and his friend who came out in Freshmen year of High School introduced us to a local group that was a peer based support group for queer youth run by the city public health. Probably the most I've ever actually been involved in a queer-based community. It was a great place to be cuddly with Ryan in the open and not be as shy. I was comfortable with my sexuality and life, so I never felt I needed support, it was just a place to hang out and meet queer people around my age.

Eventually, I felt my crush had grown into love, and I wanted what we had to be official. Although I still do consider Ryan my first romantic love, I was naive back then. I think he knew better than me that he just wasn't ready for the sort of things that come with being "boyfriends." I of course did not see that it was just a label, and not being "boyfriends" didn't have to change what we had. For several weeks it was pretty hard to see him at that group.

I was still 17 at that point. I rebounded with a boy that was 2 years older than me at the group. Unlike me--a shy and sheltered nerd--he was very outgoing, a little feminine, and at his former High school had acquired a reputation as the boy that straight guys who were questioning went to for no strings attached gay sex. He introduced many a straight boy to bottoming, and many of them loved it I was told.

Of course, since he was much more sexually active than me, we ended up doing sexual things on our first actual date. I got fingered for the first time by another person. He also rimmed me that night, but it just felt sorta weird, not good. After that night we just sorta understood that we were together, but more and more what I felt like doing sexually was not enough for him. I liked hand jobs quite a lot, but he wanted more. Before long I topped for him and lost what I consider my virginity. I was about a month before turning 18. It didn't feel awesome like the hand jobs I prefer, and I never once came on top with him.

Now many gay people consider bottoming to be losing your virginity for some strange reason. Well it was not long after I turned 18 before my boyfriend convinced me to bottom for him. In retrospect, he did know what he was doing, and it never did hurt. It felt a little uncomfortable, and there was a powerful feeling of 'wrongness.' I feel like if I had been ready and willing, I would have ridden that discomfort out (literally cowboy/girl style) and gotten to those really good parts of bottoming I hear so many gay guys I know talk about. My boyfriend took one look at my face and suggested we stopped. I agreed and he never topped me again before we broke up 6 months after my birthday.

I feel like that broke me somewhat as I've grown older. I know that anal prostate stimulation does work on me, because there was a phase where I masturbated with a sharpie marker and I once came thrice CONSECUTIVELY (there was no wait between orgasms. it was amazing). I am 25 now and out of the 5 guys I have bottomed for in the last seven years, only one was ever inside me more than once. Topping I have enjoyed more and the first person I was sexual with after my ex was the first person I came into (we were camping and in a tent ;D ). However, in general, topping just doesn't do it for me and I go soft.

I have topped my current boyfriend once ever, it was over 2 years ago before we were even together. Neither of us finished. He has never topped me. Our relationship is an open one, and I encourage him to get sex from other guys since I can't provide. I would not have started going out with him if he hadn't told me very clearly that sex was not important to him.

I feel like as a (mostly) gay man, I am broken. I wish I could get into anal a lot of times, but it's hard to get me turned on about it. I've tried getting comfortable with myself and my libido (or lack thereof), and my preference for non-penetration. But I keep wishing I had great anal sex. I wish I could both bottom and top easily. In online RPs I've started bottoming more in the hopes I'll want to start doing things with my bum again irl; It has been years since that sharpie marker. So far I haven't had any of the urges I wish I did.

How can I break this psychological barrier and enjoy the sex I know I am capable of?