by Anonymous on May 24, 2012 at 6:47 AM

Hey Curtis, thanks for opening up and expressing yourself. I hear what you are saying and you are right in a lot of ways. Let me give some back ground so you know where I'm coming from. I was a 15 year old boy seduced by a 26 year old man under the influence of drugs and alcohol together. Now childhood sexual abuse is tough enough but usually happens to a girl. With a boy there is a lot of shame involved because girls are violated but boys are seduced and wrestle with feelings of enjoying it. This is a key part to understanding what is going on. Speaking about myself there are other factors too. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and I grew up with a 9 year old sister and a mother. Now me being the male I was always the bad guy and my mom gave all the approval to my sister and made me the scapegoat for everything. Now where was my male role model? Good luck with that. So over time I got the message the girl is always right. I feel subconsciously very hurt and rejected. If I were only a girl none of this would ever happen. I begin to wonder what being female is like. I sneak into my sisters underwear drawer and try on a few of he panties. I feel very aroused and excited and decide I really like how these undergarments make me feel. I feel pretty and attractive where someone would desire me. Now I take it one step further and dress up in my sisters cheer leader uniform and she caught me and called me queer. So now the shame is mixed in. I enjoy all the aroused sexual feelings and soon make sexual discovery in my sisters panties masturbating with my moms vibrator looking at her large dirty magazines under her bed. Ok now a clear line is drawn in between lady's underwear and my sexuality and I am addicted to it. When my friend drove me home after work all I was thinking was dressing up and masturbating. Plus we smoked a few joint's so I was really buzzing. He asks me if I want a blowjob and all I can thing of is dressing up and masturbating. So I figure what is the difference it would be just as dirty as what I was already doing. So I had my first sexual experience. Soon I was addicted to him and all the sex we had was so much fun. I remember thinking so is this what girls do? It. Has to be nice because every girl likes sucking cock. By this time he penetrated me anally and I started to enjoy that too. So months go by and I have this little friend who accepts me and shares the things I like to do with. Now if I were only a girl everything would be alright. Years go by and after having a full mental breakdown and hospitalized in a treatment center for rebellious teens. To show you how deep the shame is I never spoke to a soul about my sexual abuse. The shame is that I liked it. Who could come out as a teen and tell the world I was a cock sucking sissy fag? No way so here is where closeted comes in. Buried deep deep down I left that all behind. Now you and I know that's impossible but to a abused child who grew up hiding all of this mentally he had to tell himself that. No I was diagnosed as completely psychotic and mad a miracle come back where my friend didn't recognize me. Being 6'4 built like a tank and taking martial arts for years on end I was not to be trampled with. BTW fighting is all I ever did in school. I had straight A's in school and won awards for academic achievement. I found religion too. Just a nice guy tall blonde hair blue eyes quiet demeanor great sense of humor. Underneath was a horror and a nightmare but it was beyond my control. At 22 I married a nice girl who was like Lynda Carter in her prime. I worked hard and owned my own home. I was extremely talented and built my own kit car (62 Austin Healey with a 350 chevy). My demon's still ran deep inside of me. I was secretly wearing my wife's underwear and began dressing up again. Now I wanted some cock but also wanted a monogamous relationship too. I tried dildos and gay porn to fill the void. My shame was too deep to open up and tell who I really was. Now my wife was sexually abused by her father from 5 years of age to late teen years so I had lots of compassion for her. I still could not tell her about who or what I was. 23 years of marriage then she found my panties. The marriage crumbled after that. There was no redemption for me though I tried therapy and marriage counseling and SA meeting for sex addict but no luck. I started to meet men for sex so I knew I had to go. Today I have a girlfriend who knows my story and know what drives me. I am a cock sucking sissy faggot who loves dressing like a girl and loves riding huge cock. She helps me and dresses me and fucks me like the sissy bitch that I am. So you are right it is against nature but there is a reason why. I did want to share that for me to receive all the strapon training and feminization from a dominant mistress is the best. I also can switch and be a man's man for her or a sissy bitch at will. I love the sissy side though because it's the real me. I love women and think they are beautiful. I even consider myself a breast man. Well thanks for sharing and I hope this give you some insight to what some of the demons behind all of this. C