a few years ago my wife had an accident and died a few days later, i was only 35, we have two kids. i had to tell the children what was going on and what was going to happen when they saw their mum in hospital, that the doctors were going to turn the machine off and she would die. i brought in a priest and she read from my wifes bible, and a minute in to it, she died.
i didnt cry, you have to be strong in fron of the kids, but in side i was dead. the next day my mother in law said to me, well your single now, give us the kids, you sell the house and we will give you some money and you can re start your life, i told them to fuck off, my kids are mine.
anyway after the funeral a month went by and the kids went to stay with their aunty for a few days, so i had the house to myself for a week, so i went out drinking everyday, and one night i got home and turned the tv on, turned all lights off, except for one and tied a rope around the staircase very tight and hanged myself.
all this happened automatic, like it was programmed in to me.
i remember kicking the table and then just hanging and trying to take a breath of air, i could see my feet swaying side to side, then everything went pitch black and then everything went silent. i remember before kicking the table saing out loud to my wife, i will see you in the spiritworld in a few minutes.
its not that i dont love my children, you have a love for your wife and a different love for your kids, at this time in my life, my wife came first.

i woke up in hospital and i can remember two female doctors looking at me and then i passed out.
i woke up a day later or so with a oxygen mask on and all these needles in my arms and hands, the same doctors asked me how i was, i said im i dead,they said no, but you did die for a bit, we got you back, can you tell us where you went, we lost you for a bit, do you remember anything, i said no, and said i was gutted not to have died.
anyway i made a full recovery and was sent home after seeing a psychiatrist and some other medical people.

no one in my family knows what happened just me and you, who read this.

the thing is a week or so later the female doctor turned up at my house and i let her in, she wanted to know i remembered anything i said no, and i dont even know how i went to hosptial and who cut me down and who found me.
she said there was a phone call from your house and that led police to come down thinking it was a kid on the phone and the door was open and they walked in and saw you and cut you down.
i said everything was shut only tv and light on.
anyway she said if i had a drink in the house, i said no and she said i have some in the car would i mind if i brought a vodka bottle in, i said no problem.

we sat for ages talking, i said i wss tired and needed to go to sleep, she asked me if she could stay the night, i didnt mind, i was tired and on medication that the psychiatrist gave to me.
i said to her, when you go, post the keys through the letterbox.
i went to bed and she followed me and we got in to bed together and just lay there and she was talking on about the spiritworld.
i was about to got to sleep and she touched me and started to feel me over, i was half a sleep on medication, we were both naked in bed, that didnt bother me nor her.
for some reason she started to give me a handjob and when i got a full erection she got on top, no condom. nothing.
it must of been what i went through and medication but i didnt feel anything, i just lay there with this doctor on top. she gave me a blowjob and i said i dont feel anything and then she got on top again, after what seemed like ages, she said, she came a few times and that i had cum in her, and she said i should go to sleep now, i couldnt even feel coming in her. i said to her, your my first, since my wife died, she got out of bed and left the house. nothing said.
i never saw her again.
i've been single for 5 years now, no girlfriend, no sex, nothing. too busy bringing my kids up, and anyway who would want to go out with a man with kids. funny that writing this, i've never looked for anyone.

i love my kids, and maybe one day when they have grown up and have left the house, maybe i might meet someone.

and what ever happens in life dont take your own life, we are only here once, so make the most of it, i know when my time comes and i die, my wife will be standing right in front of me, saying, come on, let me show you around heaven, and get the biggest hug and kisses.