I've been married for nine years and with my husband for sixteen years. I can't say that I have ever thought we were in love persay. we have kids together. We work together, he is emotionally and sexually void with me, it feels like he is punishing me. I used to cry and ask him why he would not kiss and hug me and why he was so mean verbally, but with co workers he is the greatest. I like to have him in public because then he is nice, let me rephrase, when we go out to the club, he is affectionate. He is jealous though. I am lonely, so much that I have become overweight and depressed. I cant sleep. There feels like no love in this house. I had an affair with his cousin about fifteen years ago, he asked me when I was home alone, if he could kiss me and I said yes. I have loved him in secret ever since. The cousin, Allen says that he loves me, we never part ways without saying I love you, it can be taken in a "family" way or just as an in law way. He has always been kind to me. I became sick about a year ago, someone I loved dearly was tragically killed it blew my mind and I have not been right since. I work hard, I have developed high blood pressure and alot of stress. My heart seems that it has been broken for many years, most of them married to my husband. He can be very hateful to me for no reason. He takes advantage of me, he takes money from me. I dont go to any place without him. Not even the grocery store. He drinks heavily at nite, I think it is just so he can escape our unhappy life. When I have tried to ask for a divorce he rejects the idea and says I am starting fights with him. One of my children may belong to his cousin and the cousin knows it. We have kept our affair between us with the exception of Allen telling his sister about our child. He asks about her, he tells me that if I ever need him he is there. It's an odd feeling. I do love him. I tried to love my husband and he rejects me. Last week Allen came into our job, he went with me to my office so that I could get something for his son. I gave him the book his son left at my job and Allen started to walk out and I continued at my desk, but he turned and closed the office door. He came and hugged me, then kissed me very passionately. I didnt ask any questions. He kissed me twice. If I could I would marry him. I know it's not right, but my husband does not love me, he doesnt even like me unless I have money or unless I have some benefit for him. I want to ask Allen what happened?? what brought the kiss on?? Was there meaning behind it or do I just drop it?? I am lost. I am trying to improve my health, my husband really has no use for me. He pushes my kids away when they try to have time with him and Allen is completely different. He pays alot of attention to me and the kids. But I'm not sure how to proceed?? I am so lost. Can someone help me?? I need human contact, people say I am attractive, I do get alot of attention for my looks though I have gained weight from so much drama. What should I do?? I really need some advice, if my husband would be kind to me, or hug or kiss me, I would be so good to him. But he refuses me any kind of love. I have no friends or family to share this with. Any advice will help me. Just understand I never planned this. I often wonder if my husband may be gay?? I found pictures and heard things about him and another man when we first got married. There was a guy who hated me for no reason, then I found out that he had a crush on my husband. Is that possible?? Help????????