I'm a 22 year old guy. Ever since puberty I knew I was attracted to other boys but I liked girls also and coming from a religious background and community, I figured staying closeted was the best option. But because I never told anybody about my feelings towards boys, my repressed lusts and desires got the better of me one day.

When I was 18, and my younger brother was 16, my parents took us on vacation. We stayed in a single hotel room with two queen sized beds. My parents shared one and my brother and I shared the other. After a long day of fun we all went to sleep, my brother and I both wearing nothing but our boxers to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to a dark and quiet room. Everyone was sleeping. I noticed my brother was facing me. I looked down at his teen body and instantly got hard. I'd never been intimate with a guy before and had never even been this close to one before. Seeing my brother's almost naked body got my blood flowing and I couldn't resist my temptations. I slowly pull the waistband of his boxers towards me with my left hand and with my right hand I reached inside and cupped my brother's soft penis and balls in my hand. It was my first time ever feeling another penis besides my own and I loved it. I slowly played with his penis and he very quickly got hard. Feeling his hard dick was heaven. It felt weird that it was my own brother though so after a minute I stopped and scolded myself in my thoughts for what I just did. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

One night a year later when I was 19 and my brother was 17, I was feeling extra horny. My family was asleep and I decided to see my brother's dick again. I quietly walked past my parent's bedroom and slowly opened the door to my brother's room. I entered and closed the door behind me. I walked to the side of his bed and my heart was beating so fast that I could feel the pounding in my ears. I held my breathe as I slowly pulled the covers off his sleeping body. There he was in his white boxers with the slightest happy trail leading in. The more I obeyed my desires, the more I'd lust and yearn for more. I think it was around here that my brain stopped controlling my actions entirely and my penis took control. I'd known that my brother was a very deep sleeper from past experiences like the night in the hotel, or on a few occasions where our house alarm went off during the night scaring my parents and myself half to death, only to find my brother sleeping soundly. I grabbed the waistband of his boxers and slowly pulled them down his legs, past his knees, all the way to his ankles. Before I looked up I figured, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it all the way. I took his boxers completely off and dropped them on the floor. I took a step back and stared at my brother completely naked in full view for the first time and I was completely enamored with what I was seeing.

I rubbed my hands from his necks down over his nipples, across his stomach, and through his neatly trimmed pubes onto his dick. I immediately began pulling at his dick and within only seconds he was completely hard. I got down on my knees beside his bed and jacked him off for a few minutes until I felt some precum forming at the tip of his dick. It was then that I lost it and without even thinking for a moment, I went down on him. I sucked him hard and fast. I shoved his dick all the way to the back of my throat. Not only was I incredibly turned on by a hard dick in my mouth for the very first time, but knowing I was pleasuring my little brother made it even better. My dick was about 6" cut and his was a bit longer at about 6.5" cut and thicker too. Knowing that my kid brother had a bigger dick than me turned me on even more rather than making me jealous. As I sucked him, I rubbed my hands over his body, squeezing his nipples, and playing with his balls. Finally I felt his balls tighten and his dick twitch and felt a warm gush of liquid in my mouth. I made my brother cum and I was in complete euphoria. As he shot his load in my mouth, I shot my own load in my boxers. I swallowed and pulled off his dick. There was still some cum on his dick so I scooped it up with my finger, put his boxers back on, and left. I went to the bathroom, turned on the light and stood over the sink playing with his cum between my fingers, fascinated that I was playing with my own brother's cum.

Then like a brick wall it hit me. I was completely sickened by what I'd just done. I start spitting and furiously rinsing my mouth out. I looked at myself in the mirror thinking what a sick f**k I am and asking myself "Who are you??" I then washed my hands with soap until my hands were red and went back to bed shaking like a leaf. I tossed and turned and shivered before finally falling asleep that night.

As disgusting as I felt for what I'd done, as time passed, I always returned to thinking about him sexually. I am 22 now and he is 19. Over the last few years I have gone into his room at night at least ten times to play with him. One time I was so horny that I didn't care if he would wake up and hoped he would so after I got him naked, I shook him and said "wake up." He didn't wake up so I sat him up, propped his legs out of the bed placing his feet on the floor, and physically stood him up. He remained standing, completely naked, with his hard dick standing out. I then pressed my own dick alongside his to compare and feel our dicks rub together. I got down on my knees and sucked him while he stood. After, he would return to his bed in a sleep-like stupor.

The last few times I've tried, he rolls over and pulls the covers tight.

I know when this all began he was completely asleep but him completely standing up with his dick getting hard without me even touching it and then walking back to bed makes me pretty sure that at some point over the years, he woke up and realized what was going on. He always let me do it though even if he was only pretending to be asleep. Once when I struggled to remove his boxers, he even lifted his butt to allow me to slide them down easily, and another time even began humping my face as I sucked him. But then more recently he always turns over, rolling to the far side of the bed, and pulling the covers tight. So I am confused as to if he actually knows what is going on and if so why did he let me all those other times and not anymore??

He has a great body and almost always walks around the house shirtless, and sometimes even in just his boxers. He comes off as being completely straight. He is a jock, he definitely gets with girls, I've seen only straight porn in his history when I've snooped, and as far as anyone knows, he IS straight. Any thoughts??