I identify as straight and I'm not attracted to men, at least not the same way I am to women. I don't look at a man and fantasize about him and have never gone out looking for a hookup. In spite of this over the last year or so I've had sex with three men. I always feel dirty, weak and depressed after but once in a while, usually after drinking, I think about the things I did and can't control myself. I'll think about it and masturbate but as soon as I think about actually doing it I get a sick feeling.

Now is one of those times. I want to think about it but I don't want to do it so I'll type it out for you to maybe enjoy.

The first time was completely unexpected. There are some trails around my apartment complex that I thought might be nice for jogging so I spent a couple hours just walking to check them out. I mostly saw older guys looking around but didn't think about what they were looking for until I saw one off the trail watching something. I was trying to look over his shoulder but I didn't leave the trail until he noticed me and waved me over. I got a little closer and saw what he was looking at a little farther off, one guy holding a tree and another behind him pumping away.
I was shocked and just stood there for a second trying to collect my wits when the man said "What do you think??" I couldn't think. I had no idea what to say or do. The guy waited for a second and came closer, put his arm around my waist and told me that we should leave them alone and find our own place.
I stuttered a quick no and stepped away, but he kept coming. Not roughly, but firmly and my resistance didn't last long at all. I kind of resigned myself to it and felt like I had to.
We walked for a minute, the farther away we got the more her rubbed himself on me until he took his rock hard dick out and put my hands on it. I stroked it and he leaned his back on a tree, guiding me down to clumsily suck his cock. It was a few minutes of him pulling my head down on him and grinding his dick in my mouth before he came. As soon as he did I came to my senses.
His cum poured out of my mouth and onto my clothes but I just got up and got out of there, hurrying home and hoping no one looked at me where I just sat for the rest of the day feeling disgusted with myself. I still feel ashamed of it if I think of it anytime I'm not horny, but when I am the thought of having my mouth used like that is one of my favorites.

The second time was a little less random and much less shameful. I was at a bookstore and a guy around my age who was looking at the same series of books started talking to me. We talked for a few minutes and I tried to excuse myself to go to the cafe there and he said he was going to do the same and followed.
We talked for a little while longer and he mentioned a guy he dated and I immediately tensed up. He noticed and asked if it bothered me that he was gay and I said no, but I was thinking about the guy I had sucked off a couple months before. He must have noticed something because he was all smiles and his voice changed.
He asked if I was gay, I said no. He asked if I'd ever fooled around with a guy and I hesitated but told him yes. When he asked if I liked it I said I didn't know and he offered to help me find out. I got the same feeling I got before, like I had to do it, and he offered to take me home. For some reason I couldn't get myself to go that far so he took me into the bathroom instead.
He tried sucking my dick but I wouldn't even get hard for him. When he pulled his out I went right to work. He had me put a condom on him while he spread some lube in my hole and bent me over the toilet.
This wasn't the first time I've had a man in my ass but the last time I was much younger, and much less eager.
Because of the way the stalls were no one could see our feet but we still had to keep our voices down so he was behind me, fucking me and whispering in my ear asking me if I liked it, telling me I did whenever I let out a sound, and at the end when precum was dripping out of my dick he told me to tell him I liked it and he came to me saying "I love your cock."
I didn't panic quite so much this time but after he finished he kissed me, which filled me with disgust and I just couldn't keep going. he gave me his phone number but I was feeling ashamed of myself when I got home and threw it out.

The third man I've had sex with several times. He lived in my apartment building. One day I was doing laundry and there was a black guy in there on the phone with and obvious erection. I've seen him around once in a while and he's always loud and laughing. He was trying to convince a girl to come over and help him out. I thought it was kinda funny so I took a little longer than I had to switching over my laundry and he finished up on the phone and said "All I want is some lips on my dick. Any lips, I don't care" in a joking voice. "I'd even take your lips."
I tried to laugh but I know I started blushing and when I turned around he was leaning back on a machine and he said "You want it you can have it." I thought he was joking but he looked serious and after a minute of staring I got to work.
He moaned loudly and kept calling me "Girl" while I blew him and I was worried people would hear but it didn't take long at all for him to cum. He made me swallow and when I got up and started going he said he wasn't done yet and followed me to my apartment where I gave him another, much longer, blowjob.
He used the bathroom after that and came out ready for a third time telling me to wet his dick. After sucking for a minute he pushed my face first to the floor and slowly pushed his way into my ass. He spent probably the next half hour calling me "Girl" and "Bitch" while pushing into me, eventually making me cum from just that. Afterward he said I was just like a girl and left, and once again I felt ashamed.
I spent days feeling depressed because not only did I do it again, I did it three times with someone who knows who I am. I didn't have to worry about that because for the most parts whenever I saw him around he didn't pay me any mind. There were a few times since then that he knocked on my door and I'd let him in, always making him cum at least twice and swearing that the next time I won't answer, but every time, regardless of my mood five seconds before, I'd always open the door and be his girl.
That ended over a month ago when he moved out and most of the time I'm relieved but there are times (Like now) when I want a knock at my door.